We all live only once...

i leisurely asked her over sms abt her new bf..
she said she wasn't attached.
okae. but tats out of de pt aniwae...

took a second to ponder abt wads going on in my life now...
i'm just so caught up in de past that i'm not fully accepting ani1 in my life...
i apologize to ani1 whom i hurt in de process.
i've alreadi made a promise to myself not to get into ani other r'ship.......

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which makes me wonder again...
am i doing the right thing now?
liking her.. thinking of her in silence, loving her like that....

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at least i feel like i'm finally listening to my heart...
yup...
i'm convinced i'm doin de right thing....
maybe i'll let her noe after her a lvls this yr or sth.

life seems to be so meaningless now that i know n's attached.
den again,
its just back to normal again since i nv got de courage to let her noe how i feel...

i cried one entire night.
wad a sissy
but i just cant help it.

jas told mi n is attached again.
n i cant help but suddenli feel that life's plaein a game wiv me.
n i'm losing this game..

chinese new yr. she broke up wiv her bf.
i was sad for her. but at de same time, it gave me the hope that i may one day get de chance n honour to be wiv her again.
but no, i chose to do nothing. though there are hundred things i wanted to let her noe, i kept quiet.
for wad? i dont know.
mebbe fear of rejection
mebbe i just wanna live on lying to myself that there's this hope i still mean sth to her
if i dont ask her,
i can continue lying that i mean sth to her.

she's attached.
n God has taken away this piece of hope he gave me during CNY.
my tears just started flowing uncontrollably.
n i told myself that i'm back to square one.
back to loving her in silence , in agony
back to watchin her be wiv another guy
listening to her talk abt another guy
back to caring and being there for her 24 hrs when she needs me. anytime.as a friend.

but no

life chose to put on additional misery to my life.
at this very instant, where tears were flowing, where hopes were dashed, where i felt so lost,
she msged me.
yes.
she msged me. a forwarded msg that said:

"i may not always know if u r okae. i may not always know when u are sad. i may not always know when u need sum1.. but when u do, i hope u know i am just around. smile!"


what exactly is life tryin to do to me?
what did i do to deserve such misery?

meanwhile,
i'll continue being her guardian angel
a fren that would be there for her 24 hrs, protecting, caring and thinking of her.
if she's happi. i wld be.

i won't forget 7th july even though it no longer means anything.
mebbe u have alreadi forgotton what this date once meant to us

i won't forget de traffic light outside cisco security at jurong west
the first time i had de courage to hold ur hands
mebbe u have.

i won't forget 21st sept every single year

i won't forget s11, how we wld walk there for supper late at night

i won't forget ur favourite mince meat noodles.

i won't forget how i used to call u cheeky.

i won't forget the first time i stayed over ur hse, helping u complete ur hwk till the wee hours.

i won't forget 1st January 2005.
the deserted roads inside the factory areas...
catchin up wiv all de things we've missed out abt each other
mebbe u wld.

i won't forget chinese new yr this yr.
when u came over to visit my mum
the photos u took
mebbe u wld.
but i won't.

at the same time
i wont forget how i used to treat u
how i hurt u
and how i should never deserve a perfect girl like u ever again.

tt's love. if u believe in it that is.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,who calls you back when you hang up on him,who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,who wants to show you off to the worldwhen you are in your sweats,who holds your hand in front of his friends,who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding youof how much he cares about youand how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends andsays, "...that's her."

GUYS...Find a girl who calls you immature in thataffectionate way instead of hotor sexy,who can't stand it when you hang up on her andcalls right back,who would sit there for hours looking into youreyes,who doesn't care what you look like, but what'sinside counts the most,

Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you,
Wants to be with you in public, even if you wearthose old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,

Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy, who makes you smiles just by knowing she loves you back.

Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to inpublic and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"

mebbe its realli better to blog in a place where no one else knows de url...
i feel as though i haf become so much of a introvert ever since entering ns...
sure, my old frens still noe me as dis crappy, mad, funny, humourous person...
but when it comes to new frens n stuff, i cant help but sit there in silence...

6 days in ns.. n i'm finally out for one day...
hate it when dey gif us less than 24 hrs before having to go back to camp.
its like.. having to squeeze in so mani hundred things i wanna do, n theres simply not enuf time...

thuoght a lot in ns.
i realli mean a lot.
i can just lie down in my bunk, shut out all de voices frm my bunk mates, n listen to my own heart.

realised how ynb has constantly been on my mind in ns...
but de sad thing is.
1) i cant find de courage or reason to msg her
2) when i finally do, she replies, and i don't know what else to say
3) i wanna let her noe i miss her, but when i am brave enuf to say, she thinks i'm joking. n at other times, i just cant find de words to put in.

its time i start life afresh. find a girl who truly loves me. find a girl whom i truly love.
i say that hundreds of times to myself, but what happens in de end?
i develop a crush on sum1, den i realise that its nothing but a passing infatuation. i cant bring myself to TRULY love sum1 else other than her.

yea fine, i think i'm an ass... ppl dont tell me that, but i can feel it...
but i'm alreadi trying my best to move on frm my r'ship that ended like since sec 4?!?

but wad happens? i move on, i find sum1 else. den i start developing this phobia that i would think of ynb again. den to avoid "hurting anyone else in de future", i choose to break up.
i realli dont understand myself. trust me, i'm finding it hard to find de real me...

but perhaps.
just maybe.
de real me is the john i've seen since sec 2. emotional, committed, dedicated, romantic, sweet, ready to put in 200% to make the girl he likes happy...
instead of
the john i've been since sec 4. crappy, sarcastic, sweet-talker, liar.

ns has made me mature i guess.
i feel like i'm de person i've been in sec 2 again. n that feelin rocks.
because i know
the next girl i get into a r'ship wiv,
would be sum1 i truly love,
n sum1 i would dearly treasure.

ah yes... never updated about my ns life before...
i'm in cougar platoon one, and cougar's one of de most disciplined company in the entire BMTC school 1. We have won overall champion for drills in consecutive years, and are known for really strict high standards when it comes to cleanliness and discipline.

I'm glad i was in cougar pl1 though.... compared to the other platoons in de company, we are pretty much welfare so far.... quite a lot of admin time (equivalent to free time)...

pace gonna pick up nxt wk onwards when de enhanced bmt phase begins... think i'll be struggling to cope... but i'm goin to make it.... i believe i can do it....

ah.. meanwhile, someone pray for my horrid cough and flu thats really affecting my ability to do any physical activities... and to even sleep at night... urghx...