We all live only once...

merry christmas...
spent xmas eve wiv james n javin sprayin foam on ppl in orchard...
was quite fun... though not as fun as other yrs coz de rest of de guys weren't there..
detz n ryan had to find their girlfrens n michael was.. urm..claustrophobic...

don even noe wad i'm goin to do on new yr's eve now..
heard of mambo jambo? ani1 wanna go?

yeps...
2 wks block leave now...
highlighted my hair for the next two weeks..
arh
ya... bored at home.

who are you thinking of now?
two hours ago, who were you thinking of?
if you still think of her two hours later, thats love.

-----------

i was thinking of.... just now, now, and probably two hours later.
is that love den? hahz....

christmas is coming...
i thought i would haf a blessed christmas..
i guess
i thought wrong..

promised to upload photos... but sth's wrong wiv my computer sumhow.. onli a few photos can be uploaded.. so here are de few. i'll upload de rest later!

thats jie tou wiv catherine and hyatt =)






hee.. we were supposed to look cool wiv dat hand thingy.. but luc thought we were supposed to pretend to be taking de pledge..





brods~ group champions~ :) and group runner ups....jietou~ :)









the three beautiful girls who have made de genting trip so much more fun~ :) liting karen and catherine =p

gonna be boarding the bus to genting in exactly 24 hours...
kinda goin dere alone.. for de first time... no family members.. hahax..

hope de competition turns out well..
de price of $2000 each is certainly tempting..
been runnin thru de dance in my mind.
hope things turn out fine.. pray for me~ =)

mm...
will be back in ... 3 days plus =)

i think i'm weak
still remember sec 4
when my immunity system totally broke down.
mc for 2 wks.
goin back to school for 3 days
fallin sick again.
and it goes on and on and on.
it has happened again..
3 ulcers on my throat now
n i've totally no energy to even type this..
arh. time to sleep.

You can make a difference, every single day

You can make a difference, with everything you say

i think today's de first time i ate ice cream alone.
the kinda feeling u get from doing so is funny..
i mean.. usually when i eat ice cream i would like eat with someone else or sth...
eating ice cream seem to be a group activity or sth..

haven eaten since breakfast at 9am. this is madness.
i think i have starved till i dont even haf ani feeling anymore.
came home wanting to eat. but just lost my appetite.
slept at 8pm. thinking that i can sleep thru de night. but woke up at 10. feeling all shitty.
sth's wrong wiv my passport. haf to fix it before i go genting.
ya. sudden bout of hunger pangs.
went downstairs to eat two pineapple tarts.

its close to 2am.
so much on my mind.
so much to do.
so much i dont want to do.
so much i want to say.

i realised something...
my entries since last month till now have been so random.
i can talk abt dogs in one sentence, den i'll talk about cats, den elephants, den tigers.

if i analyse this using my literary skills..
i would say i'm a jumbled up confused person
full of messed up thoughts.
......

yup. gonna try to sleep now.

its 330am and i'm still awake...
sudden bout of enthusiasm n drive

i did the cheography of gotta be ur man for de front 4, 8 counts.
seriously hope we can do that instead of walking and posing
hoping luc and jon and me can coordinate it tmr and den show fion on wed or sth
de rest of de dance can be left to her!

been recording acapella for de past 2 hrs.
did a rough draft of felis navida (however its spelt) and de beginning of white christmas..
will let de rest of de guys frm MVE hear it later in abt urm... 4 hours..

damn.
i'm goin to be so tired at work tmr..
urghx..

haven been updating. been so busy lately.... tired, burnt out..
just as i thought my slipped disc has sort of healed after i went to MDC..
all of a sudden it hurts more than ever..

could be de dance that music clinic has made us done..
or maybe coz i've started jogging..
but pain has become unbearable that i haf to take painkillers before i go out..

if this persists..
sigh... i cant imagine..

to love a person so much as to overlook youself
that everything about you has become insignificant and the person you love is all that matters.

things to do in de following week:
start exercising and be more energetic.
start writing songs again.
start feeling enthusiastic both at work and at home.

you packed your suitcases and left.
you took everything that belonged to you away.

i'm not happy. realli am not.

performance at suntec convention hall and heeren HMV just ended..
2 days of feelin like a star... free hairdos, make up, etc...
ferried around in buses....
ah..

loved my hairstyle when dey helped me style it..
de ash grey colour dey sprayed on for me.
silver glitter, etc.
totally rocks... look at this..


aniwae... performance just over. thought i would like to thank a few ppl who actualli made their way dere for either one of de performances..

yink.. for ur sunflower....
ryan, jamie, jamie's fren, jiahui, wan hsin..
and you.. for goin on both days... (of which u didnt tell mi on de first day until some uncles pointed u out to me while i was on stage)..

de smses and encouragements i got...
meifen.. ki.. etc.etc...

jie tou nan hai..
and de rest of de contestants.. michelle, garrison, UFM deejays, all of you have made singing and performing so fun...

Purity once had a name,

And beauty once had a face.

Life once had a meaning,

And once I was safe.

Once there was freedom,

And once I could laugh.

Happiness once was alive,

And once I had another half.

Once I shared her love,

Once I was by her side,

Once I felt she was my everything,

Without her i thought i wld die.

Her grace so great,

Her beauty so vast,

All I ever wanted,

Was for this to last.

Fate maybe had another plan,

Or maybe we lost our minds,

But it all fell apart,

a deep wound cut by a knife.

Now it's all but over,

Happiness, joy, love; all memories.

Now I walk alone in this dark, dark world,

With no light to guide my way

the raindrops trickle down my face
the bikes and cars speed quickly past me
the peaceful houses.
the dim street lights.
in a distance, i hear a couple quarrelin in the rain
i see a child in a raincoat
running for shelter in the bus stp.
the flashing lightning
and howling wind.
everyone
and everything flashes past me.
and in an instance,
i feel .
emptiness. in the rain.

where are you
when i need you.

still suffering frm fever...
doesnt seem to be recovering. 2 trips to de doctor alreadi.

------

may consider goin for a minor op for my back..
coz its starting to hurt again..

-----
gonna try to memorize MDC's version of Yesterday..
like that arrangement a lot =)
been trying to get the right feel and diction wiv de grp todae..
------
this flu has been disrupting my schedule so much.
so mani things undone.
..
sigh..
gonna go get more rest now.
recuperate.

caught a pretty bad cold while walkin under de rain on 2 consecutive days...
its de rainy season..
n it doesnt help that i don like to bring umbrellas out..

woke up several times last night wiv a horribly blocked nose.
and a fever.
lets hope de throat doesnt get sore later
------

aniwae
i haf de video of de partyworld semi finals..
ani1 who wants it can just msg me online or sth =)

------
had photoshoot todae.. haha
realised i can never gif a fake smile. coz my fake smile looks retarded..
so yups, out of like 20 shots, i onli looked okae in like wad..4shots? hahaa..
------
gonna go rest now..
ciaoz.

i wanna go do ear piercings..
hahx..
i once thought it was gay
but maybe nw, it isn't..

------

thinking of goin to sign up for california fitness..
used to haf a membership in thailand, but i think it cant be used here animore..

------
to frens who haf tagged me
thanks for de encouraging tags..

darn, i dont even noe if i'm feeling fine...
suddenli feeling lost..
dont even noe which things u say r de truth n which aren't.

i'm in a state where nothing around me matters anymore.
state of liminality.
where i'm neither here.
nor there.

what a surprise...
received a call just now in de evening frm this freelance music producer whom i met when i was in sec 3 after winning my competition last time.

apparently this guy wants to buy the song i wrote 2 yrs ago(which was supposed to be some drama serial theme song but was later not used) one of our local english singers wants to sing it...
gonna meet him next week to finalise the details... though i donno who its gonna be.. dere aren't mani english local singers in singapore though...

raymond was at partyworld that day... haven seen him for years ... 4 yrs in fact... he's now in the process of releasing his album with hai die..... haha... if only hai die actualli could haf heard us that day at de semi finals...

ah hah... 2 joys in a wk.
streetboys got thru de finals of partyworld.
n now this song that even i forgotten about it is on the verge of making a comeback...~

gonna try submitting my "lets join our hands" national day song too for nxt yr's or de yr after's national day parade... haha... if only stella would be asked to sing my songg.... -goes on dreaming-

---------

her exams r over! :)
gonna be able to spend some quality time together already!
realli happi that her econs paper was fine~...

---------

back's hurting
mebbe i realli should go for intensive physio...

---------
ran into some serious technical problem with streetboys.
not de time to be doin this though
but still..
gonna see who kong can link me up with in the industry ..

till then...

she promised she'll pass her promos.

and my grp got thru de partyworld semis...
finals gonna be held in genting
if things turn out fine, we'll haf busy schedules up ahead.
dance, singing vocal classes,
photoshoots, etc.

a painful week for me
that ends on a high note =)
yeaa... :D

spent de night counting de number of cobwebs on my ceiling yesterday.
not a single wink.
woke up at 5. went jogging.
came back at 6. bought breakfast. had breakfast.
contemplated goin swimming..

dint even go for my driving theory.
by de time i get my license it would probably be december nxt yr or sth..
at de rate i'm going. mebbe i wun even get my license.

while jogging, i thought of many things.
the kind of person i was last time
and how i am now.
realised a drastic change.
i was so purposeful in de past. i knew wat i wanted. i knew where i wanted to go, what i wanted to do, etc.
now?
i'm directionless.
i don't know what to do. what i want. where to go. what dis road i'm taking would bring me to.

yes. i got de bachelor of arts scholarship from NIE. but now, i'm not even sure if i want to teach animore.
mebbe i'm better off goin overseas to study music or sth.
or mebbe i shld just go get my diploma in piano and become a private piano teacher.
or maybe. i shld just go open a restaurant.
set up a business?
drive a taxi?

hah.
ppl haf dreams.
i had mine.
but when u lose the driving force behind ur dreams, like i think i have,
nothing looks right for you.

i need sleep.
competitions' in 6 hours.
wake up.

why am i making myself miserable.
why am i at home when i can be having fun outside?

why am i crying at my own stupidity?
why do i feel so helpless?

u noe why?
ya.
coz i'm john.
and i feel like a loser.

all i want to do now is.
drink. drown my frustrations.

all i want now. is for u to be by my side.
but wait.
i dont want tt coz u shld be studyin..
even if u shld be takin a break now, not goin back to sleep n rest would mean u would be too tired to study tomorrow.

all i want now.
is for me to tell myself i dont care anymore..

yes. i'm tired
maybe i dont want to care anymore.
its just not worth it.
spoiling my mood. spoiling urs . just bcoz i care.

so yes.
i'm goin to change.
i'm not goin to care.
and i know i can make this change.

meanwhile.
i'll just shout my frustrations into my pillow.
punch de wall
starve to death.

u know the saddest thing abt dis entire thing?

caring is spoiling de entire r'ship.
bcoz i care, dis is happening.
n bcoz u dont seem to care that i care.
i feel like a freakin dumb asshole who cant stop nagging.

u noe wad?
do as u please.
i'm not ur mother. not ur personal nanny, not ur father.
ur future. does not. affect me.

----------

streetboys r competing tmr...
i foresee lots of fun...
whether or not we get thru realli depends..
but it doesnt matter to me..
i've got to know jon n luc better over these few mths..
n i'm doin sth i enjoy doin.. performin on stage.

----------

i'll do anything just for u to get promoted.

he's so nice to u.
i'm not.

--

been feelin horrible lately.
no mood at all
no appetite.
in de dumps..

sang wiv streetboyz todae.
tried my best.
but still..
i cant seem to seperate my life frm my work.
if i'm sad. i'm sad.
if i'm troubled. i'm troubled.

but ya.
saturday's de competition. i'm goin to put my best foot forward.

u noe something's wrong when...
someone else treats u better than i do..
if he is more thoughtful than i am...

n when u find urself...
being miserable bcuz of the guy u love...

---

he gave her chicken of essence.
i did nothing.

he cheered her up.
i caused her to lose her mood in studying.

he smses her to encourage her
i onli sms her and irritates her.

---
yet
i am hers.
n he's not.
it just doesnt make sense.

maybe u deserve sum1 better.

i look at the photos on my computer
n i unknowingly find myself smiling..

dis entry has nothing to do with my entry title.

sick now. down wiv fever. if it persists, suspected dengue, blood test.
wrong time to be sick
competition's on saturday.
i'm goin to just continue singing for de nxt few days.
dont realli care even if i die. hahx.
to die singing is a privilege.

---

why didnt God give human beings wings?
why didnt he give me wings?
to let me fly out of my shell. to search for my inner self. the real me.

---

lying in bed with a running fever makes me think.
crying when i dont have the energy to cry feels good.
its almost as though ur soul is released frm ur body.
coz u're so weak. u cry. u feel weaker. u cry. u feel like u dont even belong to de real world animore. u just feel like u're floating.

---

i broke a promise todae.
i broke a pledge.
i deserve to be sentenced.
n yes, i've alreadi got my sentence.

misery. is all i feel..

---

realised lately dat dere's a lot to my character that needs improvement.
de manner in which i handle certain things, r'ships, frenships...
my bad temper. my stubborn and resolute stands.
my unreasonable attitude...

i'm sure i can channel all these negatives to de correct channels...

-------------

talked to jon abt music... abt talents n stuffs..
we had a very honest and enriching conversation...
lots of positives to draw frm dat...

------------

my grp is in de semis of party world....
grand prize is $12000... ah.. haha, but i'm not goin to think of de prize first =p
its de fun of performing on stage primarily...
de prize is just a secondary thing..

aniwae, we'll be in de competition nxt saturday.... partyworld at shenton way.
ppl can go watch... so if i haf frens who wanna go support, do sms me or gif mi a call or sth =)

-------------

well...meanwhile, i'll just go reflect on myself....
i know u're reading this..
i'm sorry if i hurt u...
=)

jie tou nan hai
party world ktv be a star competition
we are thru to the semi finals~
n i felt the other contestants were all good...
dere were like pretty pretty SHE kinda groups... or TWINS or sth...
den dere's nice loving couples singing duets,
4 guys acting n dancing like energy...etc...

finals gonna be held in genting highlands.
we haf to keep working hard if we are to go there?

wat i need now:
someone to turn my frowns upside down.

i feel miserable.
n i don't know why.

i've lost interest in life.
i've lost all forms of motivation.
i feel like i'm someone who's awaiting death to arrive.

haf u ever felt this way?
felt as though nothing in the world is going ur way..
n that everyone and everything was against u..
n that no one cared..
no one loves u..

haf u ever felt as though
the world has stopped revolving around u...
n all of a sudden, loads of external frustrations and problems seem to engulf u..

i feel this way now.
n there's no one i can turn to.

okae.
todae's my last off day.
i was supposed to haf a lot to do

but 1) i'm in no mood to move out of hse
2) i don feel like goin out
3) i'm just in a bad mood.

de weather's gloomy... gona rain soon..
n i'm channel browsing on my scv like nobody's business.
i wanna sleep, but i cant sleep
i wanna go out, but i don wanna be wiv ani crowd.

wad a pathetic day.

long weekend for me. apparently everyone in vocal ensemble is on leave frm fridae till tuesday..
been down wiv flu for de past few days...
sang kbox tt dae wiv a sore throat.. did sum pretty fun recordings...

ai de qi ji is a nice duet...

----

some ppl seem to think they're superior.
think they can judge u and criticize u.

----

had some break throughs in composing my new song...
too bad i cant write it down in scores
n my stupid desktop is still spoilt.. which means no cakewalk.. argh. 1 mth and its still not repaired...

----

big match btwn manutd and liverpool tonight...
i'm sure man utd will prevail =p

----
ah yes, just random thoughts as u can see. my entry is not even making sense.
but ya. others may want to see me fall, may want to see me fail, but all these is what makes me stronger, wiser, and more determined to succeed.

i nv knew dere was such a thing.
but de entire right side of my throat is filled wiv pus...

urghx...
wad de hell la... :
i cant even speak properly or swallow now.

had my vetting on friday. passed it coz claudine dint listen to de entire repertoire aniwae...
learning more n more abt acapella....
learning more n more abt singing frm different vocal instructors... ai leng.... n dick lee's brother john lee...

had to go to de hospital in de morning... so cldnt go for mdc auditions to help out david and luc..

had soccer wiv d guys todae.... mm.. played like a man possessed for de first game...haha... i think ryan n detz thot i took steroids or something...
was tryin to let off steam thru soccer...
it always works...
felt much better after tat...

my first performance is goin to be at RVHS.. how cool... can get to meet de teachers who taught me last time..

life has become pretty hectic lately....
by de time i come back frm work i'm always super tired... no strength to do anything else other than slack around or sleep...

--------

anyone heard of de news of de human head discovered at orchard road?
de world's becoming more n more scary. sadistic...
so mani murder cases...
homicide...
violence..

kinda scary come to think abt it... that such violent n threatening stuffs r happening in my own homeland..

gonna try to enjoy my saturday n sunday as much as i can..
its my bdae on monday... sumhow feels different... reminds mi of a song i wrote on my last bdae... when i was sad n miserable.... lonely...

the chorus goes: (written on 120904)

its my birthday, another years has passed
should be smiling
celebrating, having fun
yet every yr's de same
i will look at de past
all i can do
is be there for you
all the time.

-------------

this yr's bdae would be different frm last yr's...
i'm happy at least...
cuz i found u.
i'm gettin old.
20 yrs old
time to grow up... =)

it doesnt matter how many competitions i won before.
its back to square one...

an entire new way of singing...
a new challenge to blend in wiv de group...

the guys r realli fun to be wiv..
n did i mention i'm joining sum ktv competition wiv jonathan and lucas...
gonna sing ru guo ni hai ai wo...
hope things will turn out well!

but still, there's still this niggling feelin behind my back..
den mebbe acapella is not my cup of tea..
i'll still continue trying though
coz its just not me to give up without trying.

Vocal ensemble's gonna do Wo men de gu shi acapella version..
arh. felt like doing the melody for dat song... cuz that song is so special to me....
finding it hard to sing when i'm in mdc sumhow. i donno wads wrong...

everyone knows me as a performer. sum1 who entertains
but sumhow i slip into dis quiet, insignificant, soft-spoken singer when i'm in mdc.

singing has always been my dream.
yet i feel as though i'm finding it super hard to express ani creativity..
singing has suddenly become so technical..
no more fun. so mechanic.

mebbe i'm wrong. mebbe i'm just not used to it yet...
-------------------------------

just watched jj lin jun jie on tv.
he totally rocks.
talented.
talented.
more talented.

i wanna learn how to beatbox~ :)

haf been roving around shows wiv de 4 other guys in vocal ensemble..
dey haf been performing at pri schs n stuff...

looks fun indeed...
haha, though i will be looking forward more to secondary schools instead...

my first performance will be after 19th sept...
21st sept at RVHS...
my first performance! n it will be in RV!.. how special..

lets just hope i'll be able to learn de songs in time..

singing rocks.... just been feelin uncomfortable though... singing wiv a group that has bonded so much..
darn, i do miss altitude... michael, ryan, eugene, detong... we may not be de best vocal group.. but we r so close knitted... so comfortable wiv each other...
still, i'm gonna try to adapt to de vocal ensemble guys... Lucas, David, Jonathan and Kenny... had quite a gd laugh wiv dem todae...

go on and phunk with my heart.
5am now.
i need more cough mixture. lots more.


composed a song in my semi-conscious state.
-----------------

so many questions i wanna ask
so many answers, left unsaid
you wear a mask
a shield and layers of protection.
i'm sick of peeling them
one by one...

chorus:
dont play with my heart
dont phunk with my feelings
you left me out here. in the cold
its never too late
to take back those words you said
but no..
you don't care at all..

bridge:
over and over again
u give me a complicated puzzle
over and over again
its enough...

chorus:
dont play with my heart
dont phunk with my feelings
don't leave me out here, in the cold
maybe its too late
to take back those words u said
but girl
least i had u before.

i'm in mdc at last..
finally get to sing... do sth i love n enjoy..

i live to sing..
haha, its a plus point dat i'm in an acapella grp...

gonna learn new things manz.. de ppl dere r pro.. =p
haha, i'm too used to giving instructions.. so it feels weird when ppl correct me
but oh well, i live to improve

hahx.. mm... just don make me dance..
keep in vocal ensemble.

haf weird foreboding feelings...

de kinda feeling u get before u died or sth..


wad if...
i contracted sum incurable disease like cancer or something...
it doesnt help that lately i have been feelin weak, sickish, dizzy-ish, etc...
feel as though my body's breaking down..
yet i'm not exactly sufferin from a very bad flu..
but de kind of sympthoms i'm gettin are kinda horrible...

sigh..
if i died...

my last day in jurong camp was yesterday...
gonna be posted to nee soon
(Which means longer travelling hours, etc.)

but i'm gonna do sth i enjoy..
gonna join MDC...

haha.. mixed reactions todae frm my sgts...
found out that sgt Rizal wanted to join MDC too....

Rizal: Wah, so lucky, so slack, i wanted to go there last time, but de ppl dint pass my auditions

oh well, down wiv flu now. lets hope i'll enjoy myself over there at nee soon

haha..
i suddenli haf that sudden aspiration again..
to be a superstar...

i still remember... when i was young.. afew yrs back..
de kind of aspirations i had
de kind of hope i had for altitude..
for myself...
for my songwriting "career"...

.... den as i grow older, i realise that my dreams are slowly fading....
cuz i'm losing de... hope....

gee...
i miss singing.... :

but its time i snap back to reality...

i'm goin to haf to haf proper dreams if i wanna haf a gd future...
i need to start earning money..

ah sigh, as we grow old, we haf more to worry abt..
thats when our childish childhood dreams start to fade and falter..

not 2nd best. but the best.

why are u doing this...
why r u saying this...

just when i think things will settle down smoothly for me,
i find myself facing another bout of problems.

manchester united won... won some money frm dat game..

bought my logitech playgear.
my psp looks more protected now..

just heard that going to MDC may mean that i'm gonna spend lots of time rehearsing n stuffs...
dillemma..
shld i choose a slack 8 to 5 job in jurong camp. or a rather uncertain working hour job in mdc... apparently i may onli reach home at midnight at times..

sigh.
not like i haf a choice.

i don haf a choice for anything.
i constantly find myself waiting for others to make a choice.
fear..

just when i think things will settle down smoothly for me,
i find myself facing another bout of problems.

manchester united won... won some money frm dat game..

bought my logitech playgear.
my psp looks more protected now..

just heard that going to MDC may mean that i'm gonna spend lots of time rehearsing n stuffs...
dillemma..
shld i choose a slack 8 to 5 job in jurong camp. or a rather uncertain working hour job in mdc... apparently i may onli reach home at midnight at times..

sigh.
not like i haf a choice.

i don haf a choice for anything.
i constantly find myself waiting for others to make a choice.
fear..

the english premiereship is back!
hahax. how exciting...

man u vs everton...
first time i'm gonna bet for a long long time

and ah ha, i got my psp...
bought ridge racers and nba street showdown..
weird though.. wonder wad made me buy de nba game... its so not me...
i dont even plae basketball..

niwaez... lets wish manchester united all de bez! :)

everything seems to be going smooth and in place for me =)

you think u love me
mebbe u dont
mebbe i'm just a fool

why else would u not agree to..... it...

5 reasons why u wouldn't want
5 reasons why u would.

u didnt even gif mi a single reason why u would

my heart's not a toy..
its alive.

do you love me or do you not?
u say u do, but yet u dont seem like u do..

my heart is not fit for such stuffs.

to that person out there:

A few yrs back, u tried to kiss me. to put it in a more straightforward manner, you forced yourself on me.
I pushed u away. bcoz i was attached. n bcoz i treated u as a fren n wasnt attracted to u in that sense.

Little did i know that all these while, u've been spreading false accounts abt me taking advantage of u in a cinema
Three points to note:
1) I never brought u to a cinema
2) I never liked you.
3) I treated u as a fren, n i would never take advantage of sum1 like that

I regret to inform you that that
1) In order to protect your ego, or whatsoever, you have indirectly caused great damage to my reputation. By telling false stories to my then girlfriends, you have also broke the trust they ever had in me.

I chose not to tell anyone about this initially because i treated u as a fren and i wanted to protect ur reputation.

However, spreading false rumours abt me touching you in a cinema is a despicable act.
I, would never resort to such inhuman acts.
As a result, I have become an unwilling victim. I never realised that people who didnt know me in person had that impression that i'm such a downright disgusting person.

I may be a failure in dealing wiv r'ships, i may haf hurt mani ppl in de process. But, i would never be such a horny bastard..

Please look into the mirror first.
Before spreading rumours that are an insult to my character, and person on a whole.
In a more direct manner, 1) there's nothing for mi to take advantage of you of. 2) if i were to ever take advantage of someone, i would choose someone of higher standards.

This has made me realised.
That rumours can change ppl's impression on others.
Over these yrs, i never realised that people haf been hearing such stories about me.

whatever, screw it.
screw you
to think that all these yrs i still talked to u as a fren. never knowing u were backstabbing me wiv stories like this.

feelin lethargic sumhow...
almost as though i'm totally drained.. but yet i still refuse to go n sleep..

saw brianna at town todae. n yesterday.

ah. national dae's coming...
my camp is involved in de actual day. but i'm not sure if i can actualli participate considering my medical problem

mebbe de lack of exercise is causing me this lethargy
i don even haf strength to msg my frens animore.

gonna be goin to SAFTI for my first day tomorrow..
wonder how it will be like..
n whether i would be able to adapt..

sigh..
crosses fingers...

its 3am and i still cant sleep!! :

Some ppl have been asking me how this new singer from Butterfly music looks like.... Here's her photo...

Jin Sha....
(if i'm not wrong her name's kym)

gee.. she's realli very swt looking....

Went to ZPOP's concert wiv DS, my cousin and Sel... Urgh. let me tell u. Singaporean fans are so so so so so so cold... Nobody was screaming, even got shouted at by some aunties to "SIT DOWN" and don block their views... (I mean hello... who sits on de floor at a concert?!?!?) Aniwae. JJ Lin Jun Jie rocks... n his xiao shi mei Jing Sha is so so so so so sweet looking? haha... n not forgettin she has a damn gd voice! Ah yup..

Back's still hurting. Cant sit down in front of my computer for more than 30 mins.... have to constantly move around to prevent de pain frm appearing...

Wondering if i should go to SAF MDC. I'm so interested in music and i certainly rather spend de rest of my 1.5 years in army doin sth i like rather than sittin down around being a clerk or driving a car... :

Gonna learn driving soon.. Once i confirm details of my new posting, i would go arrange for my driving lessons. Its gonna be so cool if i haf a license...

Arh.. feel like goin to kbox all of a sudden....

(Lazerus, Left) (Rocher, Right)

its confirmed
mri scan showed i haf a slipped disc

fortunately, dere's still a little bit of tissues left between my bones or sth..
so i just need physio therapy
if it worsens i need to go for an op though..

---

learnin to try to control my emotoins lately..
---

my desktop exploded.
so now i'm usin my laptop
hahz... :

i'm out of course officially frm pioneers course..
my slipped disc n sprained ankle is making me realli frustrated everyday...

had lots to do
lots of admin work. pasting. ticking. marking. answering de fone. photocopying, etc.
yes. mebbe ppl think dat sittin in de office is slack
but 1) time passes realli slowly. i haf too much time to think abt her... abt my life.. abt my frens.
2) i'm not gettin enuf sleep... dont know why i feel so confused lately..

-------

went out todae for kbox. met up wiv eugene, hsin, jamie, mag..
den me eug hsin n jamie went suntec to eat. den esplanade roof terrace to plae go back jump..
hahax..
think it was damn funny la..
until we got too tired in de end...

nv realised i could haf fun wiv dem.. haha.. k box, pool, etc.
n i think wan hsin's damn funny... dunno wads so funny though..

gonna go back camp tmr after my 1 wk plus of rest...

crossin my fingers to hope
1) i will not further hurt my ankle
and
2) my slipped disc isn't as serious as it may end up being... i don wanna end up havin to undergo an operation..

hope admin work in de office wun be that bad..
perhaps i will haf more time to read or sth
hope i wun be too bored also..
urghx...

wish me luck...

watched war of de worlds yesterday at cine..
hahaz.. had quite loads of fun...
me and jr.hsin was feelin bored la.. (coz we haven gone out together b4 n had nth to say)
so i suggested dis game
walkin into sembawang music... den i'll gif a singer's name like "elvis"
den we will see who finds his cd first... :S

hahaz... childish but quite fun.. though it got quite draggy at de end...
----------------
aniwae. haven been to town for quite a long time...
met up wiv jiahui mary ann n cam for a while..

my ankle hurts. urgh
limpin around like sum retard..
wonder how i'm goin to walk around in camp if my ankle still hurts
doc says it shld heal by a wk...
so lets just see...
prolonged taking of my painkillers will apparently cause kidney failure.. :
sighx

this day once meant sth to me...
it still does actualli.

are dreams realli a representation of ur desires?
(literary thinking sets in)

its 1252pm, youth day
and.

i miss you.

but yet i don't know how to let u know..

gosh. like wad i learnt in literature.. mebbe this is de feeling of repression....
wanting to say sth but not being able to..

at least i haf my blog.

was talkin to brianna yesterday...
den we both realised we haf de same problem
we haf loads of ppl online on our msn.
but as we scroll down, we dont haf de urge to msg ani1 of dem...
bcuz 1) u dun wanna bother them by ur problems
or 2) u noe they simply wont care.

i rather haf a small group of close knitted frens
than a huge grp of acquaintances...

the only reason why my heart is still beating is bcoz its still waiting and hoping you would come.

recordin wiv yinky n her jie in de afternoon.
den kbox wiv clement in de evening all de way till now.

sufferin frm a suspected slipped disc.
my hip hurts when i make sudden twisting movements...
n i may go for an operation nxt wk..
kinda scary come to think abt it..
i've never undergone an operation in my life (i think)

she sent mi a msg at 4am todae..
mebbe she had that sixth sense that i wun be able to sleep unless i noe she's safely home...
coz i cldn't sleep.

-

sigh.
i feel foolish at times...
dont ask me why
i just do.

to end off..
i wanna forget you. thats what i keep saying. but no, i miss you.

had swensens wiv detz shasha n nana on sunday..
kind of a belated bdae celebration for sha sha...

den i watched initial D wiv ryan..

ah yup. no time to update. camp time.

jurong camp's like hell...
ok. de sgts are not that bad
but which camp confiscates their private's handphones thru de day?
we onli get to use our phones like.. 930 to 10pm? n within dis half an hour we are expected to bathe, wash up, pack up, etc...

and it doesnt help that my back hurts like mad..
urghx.

i kinda miss tekong.
kinda miss platoon one.
de welfare we get
our very nice 2ic. and our very cheerful oc.

i miss our sgts.
my platoon mates.
de chaokeng gang.

darn. can u believe it.
i'm being posted to jurong camp.
to be a PIONEER.
(as if 3 yrs of being a pioneer in pioneer jc is not enuf)

rumour has it that i'm gonna learn how to build bridges and diffuse bombs.
i am so not interested in dis.

i wanna go to MDC.
i love music.

i wonder how i'm gonna cope in jurong camp
(tries to stay positive)

The guy who loves you can't tell you the reason why he loves you, he only knows that in his eyes, you are the only one for him. and that he cant love anyone else but you.

The guy who loves you would seldom praise you , but in his heart, you are the best. n he is just shy to let u know.

The guy who loves you would never scold you if you don't reply his messages. he just gets sad. wakes up in de middle of de night n looks at his phone while half asleep. n sub-consciously tears.

The guy who loves you cries when he sees you after not seeing you for a long time. he cries bcoz he's happy to see you. at de same time, he cries when he's abt to leave bcoz he knows he is not goin to see u in de near future.

The guy who loves you , will remember every word u say. and when the going gets tough, he finds strength in ur words. even when u're not by his side n he's troubled, just thinking of de words u once said to him would get him thru.

The guy who loves you will not promise to love you forever because they don't want to break the promise. he wants you to believe him that he would give you the happiest and safest life ever after, whether or not you're with him.

The guy who loves you always tells you not to think too much bcoz he knows that whatever obstacles you have to overcome, he would definitely be there for you.

The guy who loves you would go to every performance with you in it. He would go there with flowers not bcoz he wants you to be happy. but bcoz he wants you to know that u're the sweetest and most graceful angel in his heart.

The guy who loves you would appear at your voiddeck with flowers at 3am after quarreling. He's still angry with you. But deep in his heart, he still wants you to receive those flowers.

..........


The guy who loves you. if he truly loves you. would love you always. whether or not you love him.
Your smile is all that matters to him.
And your happiness is what makes him happy.

He loves you. not bcoz u're beautiful
but bcoz he loves every thing u aren't.
He would love you even if you're not sweet. He would love u even if u don't have time for him.
He would offer to study with you even when he doesn't have to study
And he would sing to you with all his heart.
He would want to sms u every minute. but when he cant find a reason to, he would msg u a forwarded msg bcoz he wants u to know that he's thinking of you.
He doesnt dare to tell you he misses u.

The guy who loves you. would not only love you. but your family. your mother. your father. your sisters. your brothers.
He would do anything to make u happy .
He would do anything to make u smile.

For one simple reason.
Bcoz.
he. loves. you.

shld i tell her i love her?
would i be able to take rejection?

why would i want to go on like that?
or perhaps loving her in silence is de onli way i can keep myself feelin hopeful...
i don wanna lose a fren in her as well..

i'm confused.

went out wiv mike ryan and detz yesterday n todae... haha..
had a lot of fun...
went town yesterday wiv dem. den we were like crackin all sorts of jokes la.

den went bugis wiv dem todae..
was a bit more boring la.. perhaps we met two days in a row alreadi so had nothing much to say..
haha..
and mike had to rush off to admiralty to meet his relatives.
ryan to kap to meet geri.
n detong to westmall to meet elgina..
which left mi to realise that i'm kinda pathetic....
all of dem haf someone dat dey realli wanna meet.. someone dey love...
n as for me, i meet different ppl everyday..
n de person i long to meet... i nv dare to msg her or ask her out.

i kinda feel pathetic..
but at de same time
i'm happi for ryan. for finding a wonderful girl like geri.
detong, for being together wiv elgina for so long.
n mike. who has found someone whom he enjoys her company.

hahax.. i'm realli thankful that i haf ryan detz mike n eugene as my lifelong buddies...
without them.. i realli think i'll be weepin at home or sth..

--------------------------

gee.
i miss her.
i realli do....

im stayin alone ! =)
wash my own dishes, prepare my own meals..
haha.. its so cool to be in parc oasis...
closer to all my frens..

de guys r over at my hse now...
ryan detz mike clement eugene javin...
all plaein ps2..

-----

niwae...back to stayin at home alone..
i feel so.. independent
yet at de same time..
i wished someone was stayin wiv me..
i wished dat i could go out n come home knowing that sum1 would be dere for me...

hahx...sounds like i'm keen on gettin married..

duhx..

mebbe i realli shld get married.
hahz
i tink i'm maddd..

pop todae.
i'm finally out of bmt.


fact is.
mebbe it isn't that gd afterall
i wld haf lots more time to think of stuff

realised that
1) i'm sad
2) no i'm not sad, i'm depressed
3) i'm just feelin horribly down.
4) i'm emotionally drained.
5) i feel like drowning myself.

hahz.
suicidal tendencies.

gonna scram from NS in 3 days.. kinda excited..
wanna ask her to my pop parade.... but she wld most probably be busy...
or rather, i presume she's busy n i dun realli haf de courage to ask her.

urghx.. :
if onli she would go..
dat will make passing out of BMT especially special n sweet..

yesterday was my first boring saturday ever since i enlisted.
enlistment has made me compelled to spend all my saturdays out....
hahx..
but yesterday i cldn't even drag myself out of de hse.

spent one entire day recording.
recording various songs.
kinda think it sux...
so i need advice..

anyone wiv a sound card and an mp3 player can msg me online to ask mi for de mp3s yea? :)

i wanna pass out of bmt and go in MDC.

i want to renovate my room and put in disco lights, spot lights, wire up my sound system for an entirelly surround sound system.

i want to write more songs. n make an effort to pursue my interest music.

i want to stop being a quitter.

i want to be more confident of myself.

i want her to know i love her.

i want to be happy, but more importantly, i want her to be happy.

i want to take away my laziness.

i want to learn driving, and to buy a car.

i want to be loved.

i want a life with you around.

sprained my ankle durin sit test. fell into a deep trench... though i dislocated my ankle or sth coz it hurt like mad.
de stars in de night sky was superbly beautiful. it was just mesmerizing lookin into de nite sky. was sneakin far deep into de forest wiv ricky to use our hps (hps are banned btw)... when i looked up n saw de wonderful view. one person came to mind immediately. yea. called her. but ended up blabbering nonsense like "hey, de sky's realli nice. n i dunno y i called u either... so yup, bye?"

---------

booked out.
went out todae wiv mike for mdc auditions. audition sucked.
trust me.
i think i'm an averagely poor singer and a mediocre lousy songwriter... argh.

---------
went northpoint to eat wiv mike.
den met jiahui eliza cam and maryann for a walk round town.
den met ryan n detong for dinner .. ate breeks. haha... i think de beef bowl is quite nice..

----------
i bought a plant frm town todae.. its supposed to grow within 14 days n words r supposed to be seen on its seed or sth...
i wonder when i'll get de chance to gif dis plant to her to grow. hahx.. mebbe forever never i guess..

-----------
i want to let her noe i like her. can sum1 tell me how? coz 1) i'm scared of rejection. 2) its a 90% chance tt she wldnt like me back. 3) i cannot imagine losing a fren like her if she rejects me.
sumbody help?...
i feel so lost. lonely. n confused all of a sudden..

u're de onli ger who can make me feel tis way.

watched house of wax wiv ki todae.
been sum time since i last caught up wiv her...
was glad to be able to catch up wiv life n stuff =)

--------------------

i can finally smile myself to sleep todae.
just got home...
watched house of wax a 2nd time.. this time via dvd....
i realli had a wonderful night..
however, as much as i tried my best to enjoy myself, i realised that i was gettin into a situation...
a situation whereby i would be at the happiest during de 3 hrs
but when i'm on my way home, i'll crash back to reality, and i'll be sadder than before..

it was almost as though i was re-living my past...
talking to her, watchin tv, talkin to her sis, etc.

i miss her a lot. den again, so mani other ppl misses her n likes her.
i'm nowhere near her league.

-------------
perhaps i need sum time alone.
i was happier by at least ten times frm wad i was. now i'm twice as sad.

was browsing thru my bulletins on frenster when i saw this...
kinda touching, kinda applies to me to a certain extent..
den again....i don think this kinda thing will ever happen to me...


Are u tt someone in somebOdy hearts?
BOY: I saw her today
GIRL: I saw him today

BOY: It seems like its been forever
GIRL: I wonder if he still cares

BOY: She looks better than before
GIRL: I couldn't stop staring at him

BOY: I asked her how things were going
GIRL: I asked about his new girlfriend

BOY: I'd choose her over any girl im with
GIRL: He's probablly really happy right now

BOY: I couldnt look at her without starting tocry
GIRL: He couldnt even look at me

BOY: I told her I miss her
GIRL: He doesnt mean it

BOY: I meant it
GIRL: He didnt mean it

BOY: I love her
GIRL: He loves his new girlfriend

BOY: I held her for the last time
GIRL: He gave me a friendly hug

BOY: Then I went home and cried
GIRL: Then I went home and cried

BOY: I lost her
GIRL: I still love him

got to book out on fridae this wk. thanks to sir... he actualli gave me an off pass to go back to pjc's speech day... how nice...
aniwae.. had range this wk... had sum weird premonition dat i was going to die...(maybe my buddy will misfire n fire at me, or de magazine is damaged n de bullets will just explode on me, blahblahblah) so i msged mel n started talkin abt dying... n de 3 things i want her to do for me if i realli do die..

i realised sumhow that... if we all realli do die... there would be so mani things we regret not doing...
for me, it will be not being nice enuf to my family, not tellin her i love her, not spending enuf time nurturing my talents in music, etc...

-----------------------

aniwae. range is over. i fired a pathetic 1/16 for my night shots. i'm totally blind at night. fortunately got a 15/16 for day shots... whewx...

-----------------------

had soccer wiv de guys todae. supposed to plae at bb but de court was occupied, so we went fuhua.... yeaps, but there were too mani ppl, so after a few matches we went to de other court at jurong...
soccer's realli fun... wads more fun is catchin up wiv ryan, detz, mike, clement,james, jav, marvin n eugene... hahx... i think spending time wiv dem always cheers me up sumhow.. takes my mind off things...

----------------------
i'm sick now. fever of 39 degrees. its weird. my immune system seems to be down. as in, totally non-existent...
n sumtimes i realli do feel as though nobody cares.. :

oh well..thats life...

somehow cldn't sleep laz nite...
kind of regretted not going chinablack wiv bob, seb and aaron...
den again, i'm not the clubbin kinda person..
they wanted to go there to pick up girls... n i'm goin dere for a totally different reason..

she was there... her fren's bdae..
n gee... gotta admit i was a little worried... coz clubbin's chaotic n full of pervertic ppl... :
but well...
i did wad a fren wld do...
cldn't sleep so i stayed up watchin dvds at home until she called me to tell mi she was home..

-------------------------

nv expected her to call me though..
thot she wld forget.. so when i received her call at 6am.. i was urm... too happy to sleep?
hahax...

---------------------------

supposed to book in camp todae.... but i have a tea session wiv NIE NTU tmr...
got to call 2nd lt marko to let him noe..
but i dun haf his number
urghx..

------------------------

i miss soccer. i miss singing...
kbox todae wiv yinky n sheree was baddd.... its almost as though my vocal chords are punctured coz every deep breath i take i start coughing madly... :

------------------------

sighx.
i'm feelin lost.
alone.

it has been a long time since i done sth swt to ani1...
but i did it aniwae yesterday...

haha, bet she nv expected me to turn up at jj.... i never expected to be able to reach there aniwae..
sir told mi to book out at 10pm. their performance ends around 9 plus. which means i wldn't haf time to rush down, much less buy flowers...
but nah..
lady luck shone on me.
we took the first tunnel back to company line, and i begged sir to let me out earli... rushed to westmall to buy flowers. rushed to jj, and gave her a dozen roses...

gee.. de last time i gave her flowers was when she performed at kallang wiv rv or sth...
at that time i did tell myself that i wld gif her flowers each time she danced on stage...

sigh
wadeva it is..
hope she was pleasantly surprised.. n happy =)
coz if she's happy, i am! :P

hee..

wad a fruitful day.
went out almost de whole day. first half of de day spent wiv my parents, went to buy my camoflauge cream, went for lunch, den went home to change.

rushed to meet mel... wanted to watch movie at town, but there weren't ani nice shows there aniwae. went to bugis, saw mike n jiahui. went town, saw mani mani ppl i knew...
saw amelia at cine todae.
she looked kinda different. de last time i saw her was de last day of school. n de last time i talked to her was like ages ago...den again, i tink we wldn't even talk if we were right in front of each other...

felt a bitter sour tangy kinda feeling when i saw ame. its de kind of feelin when u feel like walkin up to ask her how she's doing, but sth's holding u back bcoz u fear she'll be cold or sth...

but yup. den i met ryan n mike to watch soccer at CHIJMES. man u won 4-0. how cool. n it realli rocks to be able to meet up wiv my buddies again. haven seen dem much since i've been to ns... hahax, i bought 2 t shirts yesterday. frm freshbox and fleshimp... haha... in fact, i think i spent lots of money yesterday.

ah. i just realised this is one of de onli entries without N's name in it. but ah, there it goes, i just mentioned her again. blehx. i shld stop thinking.

its 830am now. got to book in camp in.... exactly 11 hour 30 mins. sumbody save me.

had been stayin in de lush vegetations of de forest for de past 7 days... eating pathetic food rations dat tastes somewhat like dog food, biscuits, groping ur way thru de dark, feeding de mosquitoes wiv ur fresh blood, sleepin in bashars that are hot n stuffy, sleepin in trench holes u spend hours digging urself, finding urself awake wiv an earthworm beside u, etc.etc...

i feel as though i just got thru de worse phase of my entire bmt...
sleepless nights,
countless countdowns,
still cant believe that i got thru this stupid field camp in 7 days..

seargent iskandar even made us do crunches in our underwear late at night.
and red ants were all over me when i went down in my crunches position... i may haf just landed on an ant's hill.
but other than that,
this is an experience i wouldn't want to forget. days of not bathing, wearin de same old sweaty uniform, smellin worse than ammonia, etc.

---------------------------

field camp gave me so much time to think.
when de forest goes dark, i tend to sit outside my bashar and look at de stars.... wondering how it would be like if she was by my side.
msged her before i left.... dono why i did... but i told her i'm leavin for a wk field camp, n that i think i'll be missing her n tat she'll be de onli one i'll be thinking of...
well... she dint reply
den again, i cant blame her..
i'm just this hopeless guy who would probably never be loved by her again...

still.
life goes on,
and no matter wad,
i know N will always be on my mind..
if onli she knew how important she was to me...

i leisurely asked her over sms abt her new bf..
she said she wasn't attached.
okae. but tats out of de pt aniwae...

took a second to ponder abt wads going on in my life now...
i'm just so caught up in de past that i'm not fully accepting ani1 in my life...
i apologize to ani1 whom i hurt in de process.
i've alreadi made a promise to myself not to get into ani other r'ship.......

----------

which makes me wonder again...
am i doing the right thing now?
liking her.. thinking of her in silence, loving her like that....

----------
at least i feel like i'm finally listening to my heart...
yup...
i'm convinced i'm doin de right thing....
maybe i'll let her noe after her a lvls this yr or sth.

life seems to be so meaningless now that i know n's attached.
den again,
its just back to normal again since i nv got de courage to let her noe how i feel...

i cried one entire night.
wad a sissy
but i just cant help it.

jas told mi n is attached again.
n i cant help but suddenli feel that life's plaein a game wiv me.
n i'm losing this game..

chinese new yr. she broke up wiv her bf.
i was sad for her. but at de same time, it gave me the hope that i may one day get de chance n honour to be wiv her again.
but no, i chose to do nothing. though there are hundred things i wanted to let her noe, i kept quiet.
for wad? i dont know.
mebbe fear of rejection
mebbe i just wanna live on lying to myself that there's this hope i still mean sth to her
if i dont ask her,
i can continue lying that i mean sth to her.

she's attached.
n God has taken away this piece of hope he gave me during CNY.
my tears just started flowing uncontrollably.
n i told myself that i'm back to square one.
back to loving her in silence , in agony
back to watchin her be wiv another guy
listening to her talk abt another guy
back to caring and being there for her 24 hrs when she needs me. anytime.as a friend.

but no

life chose to put on additional misery to my life.
at this very instant, where tears were flowing, where hopes were dashed, where i felt so lost,
she msged me.
yes.
she msged me. a forwarded msg that said:

"i may not always know if u r okae. i may not always know when u are sad. i may not always know when u need sum1.. but when u do, i hope u know i am just around. smile!"


what exactly is life tryin to do to me?
what did i do to deserve such misery?

meanwhile,
i'll continue being her guardian angel
a fren that would be there for her 24 hrs, protecting, caring and thinking of her.
if she's happi. i wld be.

i won't forget 7th july even though it no longer means anything.
mebbe u have alreadi forgotton what this date once meant to us

i won't forget de traffic light outside cisco security at jurong west
the first time i had de courage to hold ur hands
mebbe u have.

i won't forget 21st sept every single year

i won't forget s11, how we wld walk there for supper late at night

i won't forget ur favourite mince meat noodles.

i won't forget how i used to call u cheeky.

i won't forget the first time i stayed over ur hse, helping u complete ur hwk till the wee hours.

i won't forget 1st January 2005.
the deserted roads inside the factory areas...
catchin up wiv all de things we've missed out abt each other
mebbe u wld.

i won't forget chinese new yr this yr.
when u came over to visit my mum
the photos u took
mebbe u wld.
but i won't.

at the same time
i wont forget how i used to treat u
how i hurt u
and how i should never deserve a perfect girl like u ever again.

tt's love. if u believe in it that is.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,who calls you back when you hang up on him,who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the boy who kisses your forhead,who wants to show you off to the worldwhen you are in your sweats,who holds your hand in front of his friends,who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding youof how much he cares about youand how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends andsays, "...that's her."

GUYS...Find a girl who calls you immature in thataffectionate way instead of hotor sexy,who can't stand it when you hang up on her andcalls right back,who would sit there for hours looking into youreyes,who doesn't care what you look like, but what'sinside counts the most,

Who looks at you with the twinkle in her eyes and kisses you,
Wants to be with you in public, even if you wearthose old grass stained and ripped pants with the bleached jersey like always,

Wait for the girl who is a constant reminder of your happiness and joy, who makes you smiles just by knowing she loves you back.

Wait for the girl who you give piggy back rides to inpublic and she still is in view of her friends, while she gets off and you hear her go: "you're the one for me, for always"

mebbe its realli better to blog in a place where no one else knows de url...
i feel as though i haf become so much of a introvert ever since entering ns...
sure, my old frens still noe me as dis crappy, mad, funny, humourous person...
but when it comes to new frens n stuff, i cant help but sit there in silence...

6 days in ns.. n i'm finally out for one day...
hate it when dey gif us less than 24 hrs before having to go back to camp.
its like.. having to squeeze in so mani hundred things i wanna do, n theres simply not enuf time...

thuoght a lot in ns.
i realli mean a lot.
i can just lie down in my bunk, shut out all de voices frm my bunk mates, n listen to my own heart.

realised how ynb has constantly been on my mind in ns...
but de sad thing is.
1) i cant find de courage or reason to msg her
2) when i finally do, she replies, and i don't know what else to say
3) i wanna let her noe i miss her, but when i am brave enuf to say, she thinks i'm joking. n at other times, i just cant find de words to put in.

its time i start life afresh. find a girl who truly loves me. find a girl whom i truly love.
i say that hundreds of times to myself, but what happens in de end?
i develop a crush on sum1, den i realise that its nothing but a passing infatuation. i cant bring myself to TRULY love sum1 else other than her.

yea fine, i think i'm an ass... ppl dont tell me that, but i can feel it...
but i'm alreadi trying my best to move on frm my r'ship that ended like since sec 4?!?

but wad happens? i move on, i find sum1 else. den i start developing this phobia that i would think of ynb again. den to avoid "hurting anyone else in de future", i choose to break up.
i realli dont understand myself. trust me, i'm finding it hard to find de real me...

but perhaps.
just maybe.
de real me is the john i've seen since sec 2. emotional, committed, dedicated, romantic, sweet, ready to put in 200% to make the girl he likes happy...
instead of
the john i've been since sec 4. crappy, sarcastic, sweet-talker, liar.

ns has made me mature i guess.
i feel like i'm de person i've been in sec 2 again. n that feelin rocks.
because i know
the next girl i get into a r'ship wiv,
would be sum1 i truly love,
n sum1 i would dearly treasure.

ah yes... never updated about my ns life before...
i'm in cougar platoon one, and cougar's one of de most disciplined company in the entire BMTC school 1. We have won overall champion for drills in consecutive years, and are known for really strict high standards when it comes to cleanliness and discipline.

I'm glad i was in cougar pl1 though.... compared to the other platoons in de company, we are pretty much welfare so far.... quite a lot of admin time (equivalent to free time)...

pace gonna pick up nxt wk onwards when de enhanced bmt phase begins... think i'll be struggling to cope... but i'm goin to make it.... i believe i can do it....

ah.. meanwhile, someone pray for my horrid cough and flu thats really affecting my ability to do any physical activities... and to even sleep at night... urghx...

When she's available,
I cant find the courage to love her.
When she's not,
I choose to love her in silence.

When she's sad,
I find myself praying for her, praying for her happiness
When she's not,
I cry because she doesn't share her happiness with me

When i say i love her,
She laughs and thinks i'm joking
But if i don't,
She would never know how much she means to me.

When i miss her,
I message her to let her know.
But i never send them,
Because if i did, she would receive a message from me every minute.

Now i've learnt to live with it.
I miss her, and i want to be the one who's always by her side
But she doesn't know, and i probably would never tell her
Because me and her
Probably are never meant to be.

But still.
Loving her in silence
And being there for her when she really needs me
Is a blessing on its own
My only regret
Is not being loved by her.

I fell in ( v ) with a dancer

Her gentle movements
Her enchanting gaze
Her sweet chiselled smile
She leaped in the air
As graceful as a swan
No words are needed
Her actions spoke it all
She looked calm and focused
Her smile melted my heart
Not mine, but many others
She appeared in a pool of dancers
My eyes didn't have to search
I saw her, and saw her only
For my eyes were meant just for her

Time has passed
I'm no longer meant to be amongst that crowd

She still dances now
More vibrant than before
In my mind full of fond memories
The picture of her still remains
She'll stay in my mind forever
For i fell
And am still
In love with a dancer