We all live only once...

went to church wiv mum dad and lydia todae..
been goin thru a rather rocky period of time lately, so i thought the church sermon might teach me certain values in life...
thanks dearie for accompanying me to church even though u had ur own church to go to...

------

learnt something today that made lots of sense...

We must learn to be thankful or we become bitter. Life springs too many surprises on us that can cause us to become bitter. A thankful heart turns us from anger and bitterness to appreciation. Try it with someone when you get angry about something he or she has done.

The man who got robbed was thankful cause he did not lose much. he still had his life. and he was thankful because he was robbed, and wasn't the robber.

When you quarrel with your loved one, learn to be thankful. You get to quarrel because you're still alive, and because you have someone out there who's willing to work things out with you.

When your shirt becomes tight and you think u're putting on weight, be thankful that you have enough to eat (or rather, more than enough)

When your friend behind you sing his or her lungs out and sound grossly tune-less, learn to be thankful that you are still able to hear.

-------

I'm thankful i have friends who listen to me, and who appreciates me
A girlfriend who loves me.
A happy and complete family.
A talent in singing, something that i find joy in when i'm on stage.
A nice and cosy room

And as year 2006 comes to an end, i'm thankful that i've got to learn alot over the years in MDC. and that despite not studying much, i'm thankful i'm going to enter university. =)

okae.. this is so not me. i rarely talk abt deep stuffs.. =p but yeps..
happi new yr peeps! =)

here is the key to my heart...
please dont lose it...

de only time i took part in an original composition was when i was in pioneer jc..
and even so, i onli did it coz mi and eugene wanted to submit an entry each..

was visiting the talentquest and impresario website and i realised that there's an original composition category, which year in year out i have thought of joining, but i end up just keeping my songs on my blog....

i may need some help though..
if i finally decide to submit a composition..
u see that toolbar at the side of my blog? which original song shld i submit?

coz i dont seem to be pleased wiv ani of dem.. :s

thanks in advance =)

dint manage to completely update my xmas eve...
had sizzlers with the guys yesterday....javin james ryan eugene mike and me...
food was rather good.. but oily..
n it was rather expensive too..around 40 per person...
at the end of de whole meal i was like bloated and i felt like puking...
(n i dint even eat a lot... i dint even eat ice cream or dessert like the rest)
had fun catching up wiv everyone...

--------
spent christmas day today at home initially...was like busy lazing around and playing games...
den went on to jurong point to watch golden flower with lydia...

crowd was horrible... i usually go there to purchase tickets 20 mins before de show..
today, it was impossible.. de queue was like 30 mins or sth...
n we ended up having to watch the 7pm show instead of the 455pm show..


played pool to kill time...which was hilarious actually
i was like pocketing all the difficult balls, placing my white cue ball at de right places,
trying to win my side of the bet...
but for THREE consecutive games,
i ended up losing the bet and i pocketed the black ball like continuously...
got to start playing pool again.. thought it was pretty fun =)
or mebbe it was just the company... :)

had long john's grill... which tasted horrible..
den had roadside ice cream before going home...

all in all, a happy christmas =)
n.. many more to come ...

anyway... i'm happy today...
n i happened to feel like taking a picture of myself.. to check how happi i was..
n dis was what i got =)...

merry christmas everyone...
season greetings..

had a great christmas eve dinner wiv the guys...
before meeting lydia and goin to church wiv my parents n relatives...

haven been back at WEFC for ages. saw a few familiar faces...
a few schoolmates in RV and PJ....
yeps..tts abt all..

i feel like i'm nobody...
really...

i think everywhere's like flooding...
actualli...
i feel like running in the rain now...
looks fun...

anione has dat same feeling? blehs..

gloomy weather. been raining like nonstop for de whole day or sth..

----

sufferin frm like some serious mood swings..
has it ever happened to u?
like.. .all of a sudden, u haf nothing to say, or u realise that u haf suddenli become a man of few words...
its like tt.. i've been talking like tt (or rather, finding it hard to talk to) everyone.. :s

looks like the additional jogging and soccer in australia has done be good..
played soccer wiv de guys today...
had a wonderful game...
wonderful team.. eugene was on fire.. saving every impossible shot...
javin was everywhere...
michael too, and felix...
beat this bunch of international school guys.
n i managed to score a couple of goals todae...my favourite being the left foot curler into the bottom corner...

been a long time since i had such fun...
coz the last wk i came back i barely lasted 15 mins and i had a stubbed toe...

- - -

christmas's coming..
havent done ani christmas shopping..
den come to think abt it, i dont buy christmas gifts for ani1 usually..
but christmas is all abt giving actualli..
so i shall probably go down to shop later or sth.. ani1 wanna come along?

- - -
i'm in ord mood. don feel like doin aniting in camp.
i dont wanna go back on mon tues.. so i'm goin to find a reason for tt...
but i have stupid shows on tues and thurs... n i realli don wanna sing animore...:|

- - -
which reminds me..
i need to plan a future for my education
wont want to be rendered useless or good-for-nothing nxt time
still remember wad sum1 said to me...
"u haf to study hard john, to feed your family in future..."
so i guess taking the "music" route in my education would probably be a little too hasty and dangerous unless i haf another back up degree... :|

- - -
christmas this yr is gonna be borin...
n so is the nxt few days before christmas.
i need to spice up my life.. instead of just sitting down in front of this irritating computer and playing computer games from day to night...

de javu's a pretty nice movie..watched it todae at cine...
nice twist at the end...
if we could go back in time to change something, what would we do?

--------

i love cooking for, and cooking with the one i love.
and bailey's mint chocolate is actually quite nice...
though i still prefer vodka..

-------

ppl say i'm a thinker.
pessimistic
and a worrier
maybe they're right..

cant wait to plan a holiday...

parents r out now for supper...
n de house's realli quiet..

-------
felt a little hurt just now
but i'm sure its just a passing feeling...

-------

gone for a week.

absence would make my heart grow fonder...

i almost lost my ring today...
n that had a super big impact on me..
i was so affected i frantically searched for it till i was almost in tears...

cld feel de desperation n tt disappointment within myself for losing de ring..

i hate de feeling of losing something that significant..
coz it feels like i'm losing that significant one indirectly..

thank gdness..
i found it..

and thank God i found you...

it feels different somehow.








cough mixture's making mi hallucinate..
or rather, i feel like i'm floating.
yesterday was a realli bad day. my worst ever in australia
and i'm not sure if today would be ani better..






and i just feel like cryin..

the new cough syrup makes me feel like i'm on drugs

maybe thats what i should do now.
drink
n sleep.

all i need to do

is to hear the sound of your voice

and i feel the warmth that we've shared

and the love that has always been there.

this is gettin dumb
i'm posting sth every minute or wad.

i love u dear.

n i want and know that things will work out fine =)
coz
since de day i got to know u better
i had this feeling that we're made for each other.

why do i feel exceptionally lost today.

cld be bcoz i'm far far away
frm the place i wanna be right now?

the bear smells nice..

maybe i shld go for some self improvement classes or sth.

suddenli the words of this ex gf rings in my head:
you love yourself more than you love others.
if you think u're nice, and if ur friends say u are, forget it, they are lying to u.

i'm such a lousy lover.

i would kill for a packet of antibiotics to ease de swelling off my tonsils.
i sound hoarse
and i still cant sing

n no pharmacy is wiling to sell me antibioitics here.

argh
someone just kill me.

if i'm worried. it means i care isn't it?

i mean.
would you rather i dint care at all?

maybe things aren't as easy as i thought they would be

sometimes love just ain't enough.

i have this fear of a sudden
that my voice is lost permanently..

coz throat ain't hurting animore
but i cant even pitch now
i cant even sing scales without goin off key
without cracking

my voice is lower than the bass now.
and my range is cut by half.

read of ppl losing their voices permanently last time...
this isn't happening to me is it..

i want my voice back
i want to be able to sing
n perform

why else would i want to be stuck in australia feeling like i'm useless..

i'm sick
so so so so sick
cough
blocked stuffy nose
congested chest
swollen bleeding throat

and a voice thats totally off..

but still, i haf to sing
someone pray for me
i need to recover soon.

i hate it when i cant stop coughing
i hate it when my voice doesnt come out no matter how hard i try to sing
i hate it when i doubt my own singing abilities
i hate travelling and being far away from home for a prolonged period of time
i hate myself when i dont seem to be able to give my 100% trust in someone i love
i hate myself when i keep saying i wana diet but it nv materialises
i hate it when ppl tell me i'm short
i hate wearing specs when it slips down low my nose.
i hate it when i dont bathe every morning

okae.
random thoughts
:)

i wonder why you aren't with me to enjoy the cool sea breeze and the nice sunset...
den i realise...
i miss u so much =)

stupid starhub cheated me of my money.
i'm goin to make a fuss when i go back singapore.

-----
pretty free day today..
its goin to get busy tmr though...
woke up, had breakfast, rehearsals, lunch, mic check, dinner, online..
dats basically wd we did todae...
performances r gg to start tmr though..
so things r goin to pick up pace by tmr..

-----
lots of stars here at night
cold breezy weather
very nice n romantic weather to be in..


if only.....

pretty much relaxing first day at rockhampton..
de rm's small. but cosy
n it helps that there's internet..
n lots of company around..

kind of miss singapore though

i wanna spend a lifetime loving you

what can i do
if the love we had is torn into two
so u take the smile from here
and i'll take the tears.

just watched the movie premiere of Happy Feet... rather nice movie =)
sometimes its not the movie though, but the company =)
but nonetheless, i thought Happy Feet wasn't comparable to the other cartoon animation films.. but its nonetheless entertaining... :)

I bought a $129 jacket today.
an ADIDAS jacket...
and de thing is... i took 5 minutes to decide if i wanted to buy...
reason?
coz the GALA PREMIERE invitation stated "BLACK AND WHITE FORMAL" attire.. n de ppl around were like all in long sleeve shirts and smart looking pants or jacket... i was in like a long sleeve TSHIRT...
but aniwae.. so yeps... since i looked CHEENA according to lydiaa.. =p and NOWHERE near formal.. idecided to go get a jacket...
saw de white/orange adidas jacket.. n brought it to the counter without even checking de price...
but aniwae. here comes the main point
after buyin de jacket,
on the way into the theatre, i see children, ppl all in like tshirts and shorts/denim skirts/ etc.... haha.. so i felt super cheated for spending so much on de jacket...!















here's lydia with the jacket i bought =p














and a photo we took together while eating at bakerzin =)

australia.
rockhampton
THREE WEEKS.

sigh..
double sigh..

i dont really want to go...
can ppl be packed into luggages?

:|

My latest song's up..
Here are the lyrics for those who cant understand what i'm singing..
Written for an angel..

My Angel
I close my eyes and i see your face
And then at night i will fall asleep with you
In my mind
So you'll appear in my dreams tonight

What can i do girl to make you see
That without you i'm a guy who's nobody
I have got this feeling
That you're an angel in disguise

Pre-Chorus
Oh baby cant you see
That you mean so much to me
In my dreams i couldn't love you more
And from my heart,
i want you to know that

Chorus:
That you mean everything to me
And there is no where else i wanna be
But be in the arms of
An angel
And have you lie here next to me

I will cherish you and make you see
and i'll give you everything you need
Build a home with you girl
My angel
Would you be here in this dream, with me..

Heard you on the telephone
The thought of you brightens up my bad dull day
Don't need any other
And no one else can make me sway

No one knows what the future brings
But you my girl, i would give you that ring
Take it as a promise
We'll be there till the very end



Bridge:
Lying in this warm and cosy room
Talking bout and sharing all our feelings
Girl you, with that sweet endearing scent
I'm in the arms of an angel



Download it from http://www.savefile.com/files/270782

18/11/2006
this ring i give to you, with a promise...

From the first day that I saw your smiling face
Honey, I knew that we would be together forever
Ooh and I asked you out, you said no
But I found out
Darling, that you'd been hurt
You felt that you'd never love again
I deserve a try, honey, just once
Give me a chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in you were so quick to judge
But honey, he's nothing like me

Chorus:
I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die, ten live without you
I'll give you all of me
Honey that's no lie
I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die, ten live without you
I'll give you all of me
Honey that's no lie

As time goes by you will get to know me
A little more better
Girl that's the way love goes baby, baby
I know you are afraid to let
Your feelings show (feelings show)
And I understand
But girl it's time to let go
Girl it's time to let go(girl it's time to let go because)

I deserve a try honey, just once
Give me chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in you were so quick to judge
But honey he's nothing like me
Darling, why can't you see

I'll never break your heart
No way (no way)no how
I'll make you cry
Oh, need me
Honey no way
I'll do you right(no how)
I say no how

I would never do that to you girl
Ooh, just give me a chance
To prove you how much I love you
I would give you the world
If you're my girl...

haha.. photo with the president and his wife...
just suddenli felt like putting this up... :S wonder why he's looking away ...

Wrote sth short just now to describe this feeling i've been getting for the past weeks...

My angel

You mean everything to me
And there is no where else i wanna be
But be in your arms of
An angel
have you lie here next to me
I will cherish you and make you see
That i will give you everything you need
Build a home with you girl,
My angel
Would you be here in my dream,
with me...




------
Link added to download Clip: http://www.savefile.com/files/263643
its just a 20 second chorus though.. =)

to be honest with each other
to lie down side by side
hand in hand, talkin about everything and anything
without any secrets...

--------
thats wad a swt and fruitful r'ship shld be like

121106....

to all those taking ur As and Os =) , good luck!

to all those having ur happi holidays now, enjoy!

to all those who just ORD-ed, its time to get back our brains before we go into uni...

to all those who are ORD-ing soon like me, time to countdown~

-------

den again, i dunno if i want to ORD that soon...
performing for MDC in de acappella grp seem to bring me quite a lot of joy coz its my passion to be on stage...
i cant realli imagine that i wont be doin that in another 4 mths...

the living doll - only my bear bear loves me says:
jus wanna tell u dat, everybody has a past. u had a past reLationsHip dat u might nt be able to let gO.. but haf u ever thOught maybe somEone ouT der is waiTing for u. it is a past reLationShIP dat makes us wanna cherish ppl beSide us more. so.. Be strong cuz somEone somEwhere Outder is waiTing for u to find her. =)

the living doll - only my bear bear loves me says:
anyway.. be happy k ur coLourless Life will add colors to itself when u smiLe n tell urself that nOthIng will make u saD.

the living doll - only my bear bear loves me says:
n smiLe cuz u will nv nOe hU s in Love wif ur smiLe.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
smile.. coz u nv noe who's in love wiv ur smile...
smile ....
smile.......
smile............

i just had a dream i didnt want to wake up from...
she told me on de fone to go find her if i could...
so i rushed down to de bus stop to take 198 coz she said she would be at one of the bus stops..
i was really excited actualli...
den de stupid dream shifted my attention to this grp of 3 kids eating an ice cream wiv a super long ice cream stick...

den before i knew it. i woke up..
feeling empty..

super fun and fufilling day today! =)

woke up very late coz i had a pretty sleepless night thinking of stuffs in bed...
i onli managed to sleep at like 5?
but yeps.. woke up at 12... den bathed changed

went to collect my new specs wiv my parents..
it looks kind of spaceship-ish actuali... and my eyes look weirdly shaped when i'm in it somehow...
but yeps, den headed to takashimaya wiv my parents.. to find a briefcase and wallet for my dad...
after making my choice i left them to meet nana at cine...
bought tickets..
okae, sum1 was late.... i actualli thought we would miss de movie...
but yeps... watched "step up"

and i tell u..its a super nice movie
i wanna be a dancer now
i want to be like slim and fit and muscular
be like soft-boned and flexible
i wanna be able to breakdance..
to hiphoppp.. haha..
sheesh... okae, i seriously wanna be a dancer now....
the movie was a sneak preview though.. not sure when it will be out... but i tell u, its worth de money mans.. n i actualli wont mind watching it again...

yeps, den headed down for some shopping at far east..
tried on sunglasses, shopped around shops...
den had dis ridiculous idea of goin to kbox...
my first rxn was like.. "huhhh.. haha, i dint noe u frequent kbox"
so yeps, its members nite todae. super cheap. just haf to buy a drink and u can sing till 3am...
so we headed down to jec to sing...
it was rather fun..

okae. kbox finished. i decided to walk home...
in fact, i decided to take a bus at first.. so i walked across de road, den i missed de bus, so i decided to walk, so as i was walking, i was thinking "mebbe i shld go to the other bus stop to take 334"... so i walked quite far to the otehr bus stop, but to my dismay, i missed it as well.. so i dint want to stop walking.. so i continued walkin one big round to the other bus stop.. walk walk walk walk.. n suddenli i just felt like walking all de way home... )which is rather far actualli.. but it has been a long time since i did this..

i like walkin along de road at night myself
feeling de breeze
hearing de cars zoom pass me...
but i actualli feel rather peaceful..
n it gifs mi time to think abt things that have been bothering me...
abt my past..
abt my past r'ship...
abt the girl tt have been in my heart...
to think rationally...

......
been talkin to someone pretty often lately..
and i came across this msg
"is your life driven by the past or do you want to look ahead to the future?"
"it's no use asking .ya true it does provide a closure to what has happen and a closure to your relationship. but then again, does it matter if he explains everything to me now? will everything be the same again?"

i guess it pretty much makes sense...
she doesnt love me anymore..
why hold on to the past?
why let the past haunt me?
why let a failed r'ship (which u single handedly ruined) make u lose all self-confidence n self-esteem?

ppl say a leopard doesnt change its spots.
i believe otherwise.
coz i'm not a leopard.
i will not make de same mistakes i made before.
n if one day, tt perfect girl of my dreams shall come along, i would hold on tight, and give her the best.

haha.. okae, i decided to update a little on whats happening lately...
since i'm online aniwae to check for a msg on friendster...

------------------

hmm, does kukrusann mean anything in malaysia or phillipines or sth?
been gettin a lot of friendster views and msgs frm ppl in malaysia and phillipines lately... haha... was just having this random tohught if kukrusann is this vulgarity or sth.. =pP

aniwae.. performed on this super nice stage today.. its at CSC de civil club at bukit batok..
they had like stage wiv floors that light up and de background also had like squares that changed colours... its like those u see in Justin Timberlake MTVs when he's dancing, n de background colour keeps changing.. took a couple of photos.. sang a new song todae.. "ain't no sunshine".... pretty much had quite a lot of fun..

its a fridae night and i'm actualli stayin at home..
gettin pretty much of a football manager 2007 addict actualli...

arh well.... i feel like watchin a movie now.. ani1 freee? :| hahas...

loving someone doesnt equate to possessing her...
isn't it?

i just lost my spectacles.. YES.. my spectacles, something that i wear on me like 24 hours if i'm not wearing contact lenses...

went to tekong on saturday, we were rehearsing at the grass patch when i saw this pair of spectacles on de grass.. den i picked it up, told my frens "gosh, who can ever lose his spectacles, its so obvious rite, when ur vision is blur blahblahblah~", den i picked it up and playfully kicked it somewhere else..

so yes, de weather was hot, after performance when we reached mainland, i took mark's car.. before entering i decided to change, so i took off my specs, put it ON the roof of his car, and changed.. before dashing into de car...

abt 5 mins after he drove off, i was like wondering "gee, de weather's so hot i think i'm dehydrating.. my vision's so blur.... and i feel dizzy"...
den i felt for my specs and it WASN'T THERE...

alright, i left it on de roof...
n of coz, physics tell u that the spectacles wouldn't be there animore...
:S

arh well...
now i've got to waste $300 on my new specs coz i cant realli wear contacts too often.. rughhhs...

i realy cant imagine going over to Australia for 3 weeks plus...
yes, its fun performing..
but to make me go so far.. to perform like wad.. 9 shows?

kind of waste of time isn't it.. :S
and wads worst, its a period of time where all my frens finish their exams n stuffs...
urghx..

was kind of flippin thru my photo album, and browsing thru my computer n surfin around..
when i came across this..
taken abt a year ago...

u noe wad...
did i mention tat i miss mel....
miss her presence...
she used to be the only one i cld talk to when i'm down..
the only one who would listen to me without any grudges...
she would be dere when i'm cryin on de fone, tryin to comfort me... listening to me talk n talk n talk without ever complaining that she was bored...
we would watch every single movie available, hang around at westmall like so often but nv feel bored... watch me eat when i'm hungry at de food court...blahblahblah~..

thanks for being a great buddy still...
i know u wont be reading this, but whatever it is, i wish u the best of luck for ur As...

i haf weirdest dreams at night...
dreaming of de same few ppl.... dat i dont realli contact actualli..
but somehow these few ppl would just constantly appear in my dreams...

....

playin football manager made me realise.. dat some ppl respond better to praises, and some better to criticisms..

i think i respond better to praises...
thanks guys for the tags and de encouragement...
i actually once thought of not writing animore music coz i feel its kinda meaningless...

i guess i'm wrong =)
i'm glad someone appreciates that little bit of talent i have...

thank God for this gift...

i had a dream just now..
n this phrase came out in de dream before i woke up..

it was that instant i saw you that my heart stopped beating.

i've been thinking thru de past few weeks... thru my sleepless nights...

you know you've found that someone special when...

-u think everything about her is attractive...
she looks best when she wakes up in the morning with her grumpy face and messy hair, and she looks better than best when u see her all dolled up for that dinner date with you. she looks good when she's wearing ur baggy pants and oversized polo shirt...n she smells good even after a jog or somethin..

-u want to meet her family..
u want to know her mum, her dad, her sisters, brothers. u want to leave a good impression on them. u not only want to spend time with her, but everyone close around her...

-u love her for whoever she is..
she can have a really loud voice, or she can be really fierce to you. she can punch u, pinch u, shout at u.. but after everything, u love her more than ever..

-u want to do everything with her.
yes, you may enjoy watchin soccer with ur pals, but you want her to be around when u're with ur friends as well... not coz u want to show her off to others, but bcoz u want her to get to know urself better...

you know she loves you when ...
-she tolerates all ur nonsense.
you can be a bastard, an impatient freak, a bad tempered monster, a over-jealous creature, a dumb poor guy, but she still sees so much in you.
-you think u're fat and ugly, but she thinks that u're cute and adorable..
-she's there for u every single minute when u're sad, n she buys u breakfast... offers to take care of u when u're sick..

you know what?
thinking back lately...
i realised how much i've missed thru these yrs...
frm my first r'ship all de way till now, have i really honestly appreciated all that was ever done to me? or did i always take it for granted?
i believe i've always been taking things for granted. i always thought i knew what love was... but after watchin World Trade Centre yesterday... i realised... love is more than just companionship, its about that special bond in ur heart...
i once thought about things while watchin Titanic actually. if i was in a sinking ship, and i was afraid to die, i would still risk my life to save the girl who means so much to me...
so what if i stayed alive? life would be meaningless if i didnt haf her around me..

---

arh well, call me dramatic or something...
but realli... i'm not worthy to be termed as someone who knows what love is.
yes, i've been thru a lot...
but that doesnt make me wiser.
it only made me demean the value of what true love is about..

and i believe..
she's somewhere out there...
maybe i have met her before. maybe i even was once in a r'ship with her before. or maybe she's just a total stranger whom i would meet eventually..
but i know she's somewhere out there..
the girl who would love me for who i am
the girl who would guide me thru my darkest hours
and the girl i would want to save and spend the rest of my life with.

saw de doctor todae. i'm sufferin frm a recurrance of my slipped disc. which explains why i cant get out of bed every morning, etc.... no more strenous exercise for de next few wks... n i'm gonna be living on painkillers for de rest of de month....
--------

new phone...
SE W850i..
spent a bomb on it.
and i bought it on impulse as usual
wad a spender..

now i've got to save for the rest of the month.
no more unnecessary taxi trips, etc.

meanwhile..
mebbe its a sign
all de memories kept in my N70.. all traded away..
its all gone
de msges she sent, etc..
dixie, i'm gonna put you out of my mind this time
stop living a lie
i guess i'm down.. to one last cry..

today marks a new day for myself..
i'm gonna try to be happy..

woke up today paralysed.. as in literally paralysed..
i had to crawl out of bed, and crawl to get help frm my parents room..

woke up wiv this sharp pain at my back/spine area...
den i tried to get out of bed, n i realised my leg was immobile..
it was realli scary...

took painkillers and muscle relexant.. its feeling slightly better now.. but still realli uncomfortable... urghx...

n coz of this, i missed soccer today..
-----

its 130am now and i realli dont feel good...
------

was lookin forward to seeing mel yesterday but somethign cropped up in de end..
i doubt i'll ever get to see her in de near future..
which is sad..coz she's like best girl fren i have to share my problems with when i' msad... or my happiness when i'm happy..

met up wiv kirana after a long long time as well... =) studied together though i probably had nothing else to study....

den met up wiv detong at night..we went to westmall n de two of us went to find psp games...

its fridae tmr, lantern festival and i dunno.. i just feel like shit right now..

-----------
i dont feel good, i realli dont...

i'm nothing but a useless piece of beep. urghx.

went to NUSS yesterday to attend my FRIEND'S wedding...
if i remember correctly, this is the first friend of mine getting married..
seeing qianwen and mr augustine ng getting married made me feel like getting married too..

its like.. u see augustine singing to qianwen though he cant...
seeing qianwen tearing..
how pretty qianwen looked.. n how urm.. smart augustine looked....
and most importantly how happy and blissful they both looked standing together...
n the happiness of their family... friends...

okay... i had this visual image of my wedding momentarily..
dried ice, smoke, lighting, super good sound system, pianist...
yea...
though sadly... i didnt haf dat visual image of who my wife would be..
duhx..

but ya, i wanna get married!!!

performance back at pioneer jc today...
the school's changed so much
no more mr quek..
mr tay was on reservist
no more mr eddie koh..

glad to haf seen mdm theresa wong back.. she's my fav maths teacher..
n teachers like dennis yeoh, mrs leong, mr ridzuan... yups...

thought the first batch of audiences were more fun..
but yups, both were fine overall..
n i thought alison was realli cute... like deres just sth abt her dat she exudes... a little classiness or sth... okae den again.. mebbe i'm just biased...

had some horrid moments in the 2nd one when zhi dui ni shuo went too high, n a few of de songs went flat.. but all of us were tired n hungry at tat time i guess..

got some encouraging notes and emails on both youtube and email too =)

watched stay alive today...
and i got stalked by this two girls... dey were damn funny though.. kept walkin behind me, den shuting n i decided to stop walking n pretend to look down, den dey walked past us, but before we knew it, dey pretended to enter another shop n waited till we walked past den dey followed us again..

ah... n i was out de whole day. performance at pjc. movie at westmall. hardly had 1 hr of dinner time at home den i rushed out to meet mike to support velle and huimin at soka association, den we headed down to club home for some drinks w/ james javin and eugene.. den we went boat quay for supper, etc... oh ya, thanks james for de ride home too =)

i think i'm slowly regaining some confidence in singing...
though i still hate it when i record my own voice...
like mark said..dere's just sth wrong wiv my voice. i sound fine live . but i sound weird when its recorded.. :|

aniwae. its saturday tmr.
i dont want monday to come
i dont want to go back to camp.
i dont want to cut my hair (coz i'm goin back to camp)

ah well...
here's a toast to a pretty fun day =)

n yup.
i miss u...

arh well, gettin emotional again.. ciaoz..

i like it when the music blasts in ur ears
when everyone else around u is having fun

i rarely thought clubbing was fun till lately... =p

i stand on the stage alone
the lights reflecting my shadow
the music playing, reflects my soul
its not everytime i'm performing
that i cant see your face in the audience
yet, in my heart, we'll never be apart...

i feel weird inside..
its like...
i had this sudden dream of her today while taking my nap..
n this sudden niggling feeling i shld msg her..
den i went to my hp, n i remembered tat i deleted her number off my hp as a reminder not to msg her again..

but i still just did..
okae. i know i dont expect a reply...
arh
ya i guess so...

u're on my mind. 1145pm. 240906.

since i'm on de topic of nana's bdae..
here are de long awaited birthday
photos frm my chalet..
(which i hardly took coz i was drunk)












the very bunch of buddies whom i know i'll still
meet many yrs down de road..
javin james, marvin, ryan, mike,
detong n eugene











and of course not forgettin..
best of buddies since sec 1..
fang n justin...
u guys made my secondary sch
life reallly enjoyable..

















chong kailing..
used to love her..
and of coz i still do now
thanks for being such a wonderful
fren.. =)












the bunch of crazy guys from mdc..











and of course.. the cake shuting bought
for me.. thanks for de surprise


and ya.. the mani mani ppl who came to celebrate my bdae wiv me at de chalet..
i donno if i'll be able to name all of u...
but yups.. thanks wan hsin... kailing...
michele, xiaoting, jieying, yuanshan
jonathan ang
fang, justin..
nana, wanting, carmen..
kirana..
huixin, rosalind, leemei, wanqing
jaryl, mark
detong mike ryan james javin marvin
dawn
charles

and of coz de ppl i hoped to see who cldnt turn up..
u are in my mind all de same..
mel..
thanks samm and yingyi for best wishes =)
astro...
yea... lots n lots of u...

yu nana's birthday celebrations...













de cake i bought...
think its damn nice la...
rich in chocolate...
n seriously, i did feel stupid waitin
outside until midnight
but it was worth it to see ur smile! =)

















and the birthday girl.. who sportingly volunteered
to look chubby coz i insisted i looked fat.. =)

may we be frens mani yrs down the road =)

was watchin this show abt a rock star and a daddy's girl...
both called nana...
wonderful thought invoking show... its like 340am now... n the show just ended..

-----
a sudden thought flashed thru my mind after de movie...
the rocker found her own world... in singing.... in love...
and the sweet girl found her own world, staying with the rocker girl... and being best of friends..

in where do i find my own world?
a world where i know i belong once i step into it...
at this point of time, music could be my "world".. but really... its not as if i feel like i belong to the world when i'm doing music isn't it...

so in who can i find my world?
who would make up my world?
if i could create a world of my own where i can live in, who would be in it? where would it be? what would it consist of?

what kind of a world do you want to belong in?

went zouk just now for de NUM urban male party or wadeva...
was dere wiv jon ang dawn and all her friends..

something's wrong with me though...
i feel different from usual..
i cld dance and talk to this reali cute girl.. whos dawn's fren..

twice she was beside me...
but twice i just pretended to look at my phone and walk away....

in fact, i met so mani frens dere at zouk todae.. but each time i see dem, i kind of just either 1) dont feel like dancing with them. 2) dont even feel like saying hi... 3) pretend i didnt see dem..

i feel anti social today.
n i dunno why..
dere's just sth at de back of my mind..

maybe its you...

supposed to go zouk, but ended up not gg.
bought a cake to celebrate nana's bdae for her at midnight... hahaa..
wanting n carmen supposed to join us but dey didnt in de end.. so yups..
aniwaee...
happy birthday nana..
knowing you has been one of de best things that happened in life..
=)

may all ur wishes come true :)

i cant believe i'm 21 actually...
its just like... i dont even feel old yet...
n i feel like i still think like a kid.

urghx..
------
okay. i'm damn bored now..
feelin like super nua...
n dere's absolutely nobody to ask out, nothing to do, no where to go...
and its onli 12 noon..
which means i'm probably goin to spend de nxt 12 hours doin nothing to day..

i am developing what i deem as mico-phobia.
the fear of hearing my own voice coming out of the speakers.

lakeside pri sch performance today was ... kind of threatening..
at no point of the mic check & the actual performance did i think i sounded fine.

i have been in so many relationships before...
been supposedly in love for so many times.......

but i remember how hard it was for me to say those 3 words...

perhaps..
maybe..
thats bcoz in my entire life,
i have only loved 4 ppl before.... those 4 i could truly sincerely tell i loved them...
and right now..
i feel as though its so hard to ever love again....

the perfect girl doesnt exist.

gone is the girl who spent 2 yrs of her life wiv me.
gone is the girl whom i would spend de whole night stayin at her house just accompanying her to do her holiday hwk..
and gone is the girl whom i fell in love with twice in my life, and let go twice in my life... the girl with her painted nails...

haunted past perhaps?
nah. i don think so.
its true.
lookin around me..
i realli do think the perfect girl doesnt exist..

alright... the superstar journey's over~

don wanna go too much into details.. but it was kinda disappointing..
considering that the first few contestants that got in were like mediocre... n de more i saw those that got in, the more confident i was that i would..

but yea... the judges apparently think i've no originality.. coz i sound like lin jun jie...
den again, they took a step further when they said i sounded like "lin jun jie wiv a sore throat"..
like yups.. thanks....

its not so much abt the disappointment of not getting in coz i was kinda expecting it...
but its the disappointment of hearing such weird and nonsensical comments...

-------
n whats worse.. there were fantastic singers that got kicked out... n super cork ones that got in...

arh well..
aniwae.. thanks to the following ppl for goin down...
thanks wanhsin, shuting, kailing, michele, yuanshan, noelle, cheryl, my parents....
kinda feel bad wasting ur time standing there den i eventually got out.. but ya.. i realli tried my best...

------
wasn't feeling in a very good mood to go home after de auditions...
so i headed down to cineleisure wiv shuting kailing n hsin to treat dem to dinner... coz i realli felt bad... hahx... den later i headed down to clarke quay to meet dawn to get tickets for some free party at gotham penthouse... haha... had some vodka before leavin around 12 midnight...

------
okae.. de comments are still in my head...
i mean ya... i like jj... but i dont try to sing like him...

arh well...
------
random thought..
did i tell u how much it hurts to see the girl u love being wiv some1 else?
i mean ya.. part of u says "she's happi, n i'm happy she's happy..." .. but the other part of u wished that guy beside her in that photograph was u..

arh ya... i'm developing phobia for singing actualli...
dere's a show at lakeside primary tmr...
sigh........

why do the tears still come...

its not easy u know....

felt like singing hen xiang ni for auditions tmr...
but i thought i might actually cry while singing it, which is pretty gay...
hahax...
but yea...

download z chen's hen xiang ni.. pretty old song.. but very sweet.. n meaningful..
n it totally describes how i feel....

p.s. the video below this entry is done by SAF MDC MVE... kukrusann (our grp name).. hahx...
link us~

okae.
i haven prepared my song for superstar.
and i dunno wad to sing

jianjiandandan OR juli
liuxingzhujiao OR caocao..

and shld i bring my tuning fork?
urghx..

n i'm running a flu now wiv a horrible throat... must be zouk's fault..
urghx...

she's different.
she's beautiful, on the outside, on the inside,
even with my oversized t-shirt.

now that she's gone..
whats left of her is this song.

he better take good care of her... i know he would...

i just fixed the links to my songs..
so for those who cldn't download the songs... the links are fixed.. =)

my birthday just passed.....
n ya.......
i guess... i kind of enjoyed this yr's birthday celebrations.. the party on 9th with eugene and all my frens... n buyin clothes n splurging $300 today..
oh well..

i shldn't compare shld i?
thanks to everyone who made my birthday special and meaningful..
for all de wishes..
i'll thank u guys again when i find the time to update my blog...
meanwhile.. i'm gonna go take a rest.. n prepare for another day of camp again tmr..

can't let go

Even though I try I can’t let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You’re all I know
I can’t let go

Just cast aside
You don’t even know I’m alive
You just walk on by
Don’t care to see me cry
And here I am
Still holding on
I can’t accept
My world is gone

Chorus

Do you even realize the sorrow I have inside
Everyday of my life
Do you know the way it feels
When all you have just dies
I try and try to deny that I need you
But still you remain on my mind

No I just can’t get you out of my mind
I never can say goodbye
‘Cause every night
I see you in my dreams

You’re all I know
I can’t let you go
Even though I try
I can’t let go of something I need so badly
You’re all I know
I can’t let go

okae. i'm goin to write more abt my bdae party later when i wake up..
kinda feeling hangover-ish now...

being drunk gives me de courage to do things i never would haf done if i'm awake..

things to do for the following week:
1. prepare for my bdae celebrations on saturday
2. buy a jacket for superstar.
3. choose 2songs for superstar 2nd round (any1 can help mi on this?)
4. celebrate my actual birthday on tues
5. meet up with a few friends.
6. lose weight apparently..
7. get a haircut..
8. still give tuition
9. still teach music.
10. start trying to be happy with my life...

arh... why does it feel like i'm goin to be realli busy

superstar auditions.
firstly, thanks shuting for accompanying me down... and waitin so mani hours alone...

okae
here's de goodnews. and de badnews.

badnews.
i think i embarassed myself on tv. if dat footage is goin to be played out at all its gonna be embarassing...
coz i not onli embarassed myself once, but thrice...
first. i accidentally took my tuning fork in to superstar auditions.. i meant to put it in my pocket.. but de girl pushed me in de room and stressed me out so i walked in looking blur, wiv de tuning fork in my hands. den de producers had to say ""hey... can u knock tat tuning fork in front for de camera to see"".. so i had to pretend to like knock it so tat they could capture tat....

secondly. the producer praised my voice... den before i walked out.. he said "u got to lose weight to look more shang4 jing4" haha.... den yups.. just as i thought de nightmare was over, dey interviewed me outside n asked me if my pride was hurt... wahahaha....
i was like "huh... no la, coz my frens always say i'm fat aniwaee" haha... but still, its gonna be embarassing.

okae.
heres de goodnews. *which in some way may be bad too*
i'm in de 2nd round..
i was so nervous. kept hearing de buzzer "u are out" sound when i was outside...
so i was like "oh shit, there it goes, i queued for 10 hours for nothing"
den arh... by a stroke of luck, i actualli managed to get in... mm...
*de bad news however is tat, i think this is de furthest i'll go*

but nonetheless, 2nd round auditions is open air
on 16th sept at toa payoh hub...
yups..
would be great if u guys could go down.. =)

--------------------------
now... time to urm... eat less i guess? :P (though i know its gonne be quite impossible coz eating's my hobbbyyy.. lalalaa)

this reali funny photo taken years back... wiv jonathan ang, who coincidentally has joined SAF MDC MVE! its amazing how de world's so small yups?

but aniwae, got this random thought suddenli frm lookin at de photo..



if any of u could turn back time, would u?

who in this world really knows me?
realli trusts me? and understands me...

mebbe a few...
ryan maybe? detong? mike?
nana? eugene?
dionne? justin?
hsin? esther?

i dont even noe who are my friends really....
i mean.. yes, i do haf a lot of friends... but how mani realli noe me inside out? how mani would realli be there for me 24-7..

so what if i haf a huge social circle?
hahx..it doesnt realli matter...

schedule's settled
i'm gonna go join superstar after all...
its for de fun of it though, since i know i wont get far..
i mean, it doesnt harm to roughly see where u stand rite? :P

--------

MDC MVE has been pretty relaxed de last wk
no performance..
we may hold our own concert by the end of this yr, subjected to approval

--------

here's a rough recap on what i did for the past wk
finally watched click... it was a super last minute arrangement though... went down to causeway wiv shuting..
superbly touching..
haha, i know guys "liu xie bu liu lei".. but i actuali cried manz... as usual...
sometimes i think i'm too emotional.. =pPp

had sakae sushi for de first time in a very long time.
watched a movie for de first time in a very long time
went down to town for de first time in a very long time..
haha.. mebbe i'm gettin my life back now that schedule's a little more relaxed..

here's our performance at chevrons... =p tryin to look high class wiv de wine glasses but toshi kinda spoilt it =pPp






last but not least
my bdae celebrations! 21st bdae..
firstly, i cant believe i'm 21.. i mean... gosh... time passes so quickly manz... i realli feeel as if i'm 18..
its gonna be held at east coast chalet
5pm onwards
on the 9th sept... saturday =)

so yups.. if u guys can make it! just text me or sth kz? :)

----------

yup...
i'm still missing u...

problems, problems n more problems.

superstar auditions - i wanna join. i planned to. and everything was perfect..schedule was free n everything.. den all of a sudden yesterday, our schedule states "SAF DAY (all involved) "
and its like on friday, saturday and sunday.. on the wkend where superstar auditions are held.

bdae celebrations - 090906. guest list confirmed.. i need to start asking ppl there... den all of a sudden, there's a performance on 080906...

i mean... come on la... be more organised la. add performances last minute as if we are free 24 hours 7 days a week issit.

urghx.

you do not find happiness in just love..
sometimes u can find it in ur frens..
or just something else..

i'm happi when ..
-playing mahjong n catchin up wiv frens
-performing to hyper ppl
-playin soccer..

other than that.... most of the times, u'll see me with a frown on my face...

u think of crazy things when u're feelin sad...

i'm kind of thinking of recording an MTV for my song...
crazy idea i noe..
but yea.. with the craze abt youtube.com n stuffs..
mebbe this might work?

ppl would rather watch a song than hear de mp3 rite?
n i can get an actor and actress to act n i don haf to appear on de mv...
hahaa..

n on top of tat, i can spread my song around..

mmm.... before i get carried away.. =p ani1 wanna be my first lead actor n actress? :P

performed at hillgrove secondary school today...
one of the schools that makes me feel like writing about..
it beats performing at certain schools we performed at lately at yishun..
the school was nice..warm...
nice malay food...
fun and enthusiastic students... enthusiastic teachers as well..

we played floorball in between the upper sec n lower sec assemblies... haha..
reliving secondary school days manz..
used to plae floorball when i was in rv and pj...

mm.. yups.. singing today was pretty fine...
felt less lethargic... kinda liked de crowd response and stuffs...

something really embarassing happened as i was walking in westmall...
wasn't feelin in such a good mood so i was contemplating watchin a movie alone or sth..

decided against it in de end...
coz ryan msged to say dat de guys may be goin out to town later in de evening... so oh well.. here i am at home now...

its gonna be a busy wkend again...
teaching music... den performing at NUS... den on monday we'll be performing at bendemeer sec sch, n a couple other shows coming up.... arh well...
glad i got my 2 day mc this wk...

well.. i miss you...........................................
n sometimes i wonder wad i can do to stop this feeling from coming...
take care guys..

i cant believe myself
i'm crying.
and i mean non stop.
i cried while walkin along de road.
walked past ppl n dey just stared at me
i glared at them back.

i cry while bathing
while talkin to mel on de fone.
while smsing
while listening to de radio..

i'm tired..
whats happening to me?
whats happening to the guy who doesnt care abt anithing around him...
who doesnt gif a damn who loves him and who doesnt.

i want to smoke.
i heard it makes ppl high n happy.

or mebbe stick to drinking.
cough mixture perhaps?
i dont know.
i just need to get out of de world my mind's living in right now..

i'm not full of myself.
i'm not
i'm weak.
do u noe?

its 2pm.. i'm home.. yea.. dint go to work..
on mc for 2 days..

performing has become much of a chore lately..
too much singing..
too much fake smiling on stage..
was at national stadium singing for singapore journalists press conference or sth...
had to socialise after the performance as well....
listening to ppl say
"oh.. u guys sing realli well..."
"oh.. why dint u join singapore idol?"
"my son/daughter is in an acapella grp too..." blahblahblah...

thought abt some things my manager said today...
she told me to focus and think of a single person when i sing my song so that ppl can feel the song..
i did..
and i kinda felt tears welling up or sth.. but yea..... i mean it would be scary if i sang halfway and cried wouldn't it..

haven't been happy lately...
been trying to...
but like the past month or so...
u just keep floating in and out of my mind...

i want to spend my birthday like i did last year..
i still remember the surprises..
the birthday song u asked my frens to sing when i reached camp...
the ice cream cake u brought to my house while i was still at work...
i was alone in Singapore that year.. my parents weren't around... but i had you to accompany thru my bdae...

well... john... what are u goin to do about this..?

ipod shuffles songs .... :s
n makes me think of things i shldn't be thinking of...

its 1230am.. i cant sleep..
havent been sleepin much aniwae..

dere's so much on my mind...

"i'm young
i'll meet someone new
someone better"

i mean.. isn't that whats life all about?
we meet new people as we grow older, as we go to different places, schools...etc.

i know i would meet lots of new ppl...
but to me.. it doesnt matter...

i'm nostalgic..
i treasure the old ones more.
n i know no one can be better......

fireworks are meant to be seen with that special someone in your heart..
i didnt go..
coz it doesnt make any sense to be there with anyone else.. when my heart's actually with you..

something came over me when i stepped into the train at paya lebar today..
i actualli walked the entire train..
n i donno why i did that..

------

i'm down with flu now.. the schedule in camp is crazy
involved in NDOC tmr.
den NDP post parade (we are actualli made to dance) on 9TH
den Istana Appreciation Dinner 10TH
HQST on 12th

its just crazy.
i hardly haf time to breathe.

do you noe who u are?
u're on my mind.

busy day at camp todae..
hardly could breathe
had to change into like 3 costumes in such a short period of time...
tiring and draggy rehearsals...

-------
virtually had no energy after camp todae..
but i still had to go teach melvin tuition..
english is easy to teach... blehx..

-------
random thoughts just floated into my mind...

i'll only love...
and give my heart
to the one
who loves me, for who i am
who loves me, the most
and who loves me... completely....

i mean..wads de use of making someone "gradually" love u..
when there's actualy someone out there who loves u 101%..

duhx..
i feel as though i'm seriously immature..
but yet...
mebbe part of me just refuses to grow up..
for fear of facing the harsh realities of de real world..

de body's tired, de spirit's weak
but the mind's still awake..

i haven slept since i went to camp at 730am yesterday.. which means 48 hrs without sleep....
n wads ironic is...
this week is one of my busiest weeks
we did chereo in camp, had to dance, memorize steps..
at first we thought it was only line dancing, den we eventually discovered we actually had to DANCE with the artistes... gosh... all the spinnin around, etc.

den when i got home...i went for a swim
swam for an hour or so... did laps...
den mahjong wiv detz n marvin... we played all de way till 9am today...
den i was abt to conk out...
but had to teach selina and liane the singapore song arrangement...
did vocals with them till 1245pm...
den ryan came for vocalst ill 2.. den qimin came till 330... den de other guy came till 5...
at the end of de whole thing, i was just drained..
didnt even haf de strength to bathe or wadsoever..

so i slept.. for 5 minutes.... got awoken by a phone call at 505pm...
my DVDs are ready for collection...
so i met detz at westmall.. bought bubble tea... all de way till about 8 plus.....

den i'm online doin music arrangements all de way till now...
arh...
i'm tired
but yet... i haf been doing so many things that it feels as though i'm still mentally awake..

n dere's so much in my heart thats bothering me...
sigh.

to back away.

sarang heyo
means i love you

sarang heyo
zhi dui ni shuo
i'll love you, and forever more
i promise baby, you'll see
mei tian wo dou shu yu ni...

--
sang this at chevrons todae...
midway thru de song, i suddenli felt a little slight ache in my heart...
one of the worse way to love someone ...
is to love tat person...
but not be able to find de courage, or de strength, or de ability to tell him/her

--
the saddest thing in the world
is loving someone
who used to love you..

--
somehow the song spoke to me today...
meanwhile...
i dont look forward to a busy week, and mani other busy weeks to come.
looks like i cant perform at PJC animore due to the heavy performance schedules VE has..
n looks like i'm goin to be very busy...

--
mebbe being occupied is de best thing that can happen to me now...
to take my mind off everything thats happening around me..

that dream i had at night..
it seemed so real...

i woke up around 3am..
n i held on to my handphone
contemplating

but its okay..
it doesnt matter if i call or not..
i think i did call u subconsciously..
coz i saw ur number under dialled numbers....
den again...
nothing else matters..
cuz deep inside u'll stay

no matter wad... i guess..

soccer todae... played intensive soccer for 1 hr before it rained...
rain was so heavy dat we had no choice but to stop...
score was 1-1 when we stopped...

-----

so we decided to go plae LAN again...
mi, mike, detz, ryan, james, felix n eugene...
ryan detong me n eugene vs mike james n felix...
haha... u will think that the team with 4 ppl should win.. but nah... we were thrashed...
partly coz i rarely plae cs... n neither does eugene...

nonetheless, it was realy fun..

-----
had vocals wiv ryan... fixed his pitching problems....
bought new games todae... bought dota, fifa, red alert 2, etc.etc.etc...
lots of new games to plae..

-----
went dinner at westmall wiv my parents...
met this sajc girl four times in 2 days..
saw her on de bus last night on my way home. den saw her while buying food at de food court todae.. den saw her again when her table was behind mine... n den saw her again when i went down to coffeebean...
she must haf been pretty amused too... coz she actualli smiled at me... duhx... =p=

-----
its goin to be a busy wk ahead for me.. performances, tuition, lessons, etc.
hope i dont lose steam...
:S

arh..

why am i walking along a road i shouldnt be walking on?

im sorry buddy..

i need a break.
tired.
irritated wiv certain ppl.

-----
now.. before i get pissed n grow older..

-breathes in. breathes out-
-----

did recording wiv suying yesterday...
and i realised i can do medleys pretty well.....
did a 17 min medley i think..wiv all sorts of music.. indian, malay, burmese, indonesian, hokkien, wadeva.. haha..
got to know a new fren faith. who apparently is good friends wiv marvin.
and who apparently knows sarah... someone that i always felt was super pretty in jc but whom i never ever talked to..

haha...
-----
recording's fun..
now i haf a good quality recording wiv suying.FINALLY.
=)
pj invited me back to perform..
gonna pull ppl along.. so WAH SUYING. ppl like dionne.. mebbe michael.. arh...

went receeing with mark at nus and ntu just now... was damn blardy irritating.
one.. to be caught between a Major, a Lieutenant, a stupid manager, a backstabbing member.

look here. points to note.
i did not OFFER to recee. i was GIVEN THE ORDER to do so.
i did not ARRANGE it. i merely FOLLOWED ORDERS.

1. a manager who does nothing but thinks she's right.
2. a friend who makes things worse by rattling to the manager
3. a Major who thinks that everything is simple and smooth sailing.

look here.
its tiring to recee. to be given orders by A, and another different order by B, and C, and D.
screw it....
just screw up the performance then.
not as if i care.

i love singing.
but not when things r like this.
not when i'm backstabbed.
not when i'm taken for granted.

-yawnx-

had rv 1i'98 & 2i'99 gathering just now...
lots of fun with all those who turned up...
karen's house... (which incidentally was just beside my uncle's house.. which means that theoretically we would have been neighbours)...
those who went... karen.. jiayin.. aihui.. wanjun.. siewyan.. esther.. sherwyn.. justin.. fang.. ziliang.. zhanjiang..

everyone changed...
we are all growing older...
n despite not seeing each other for ages... its still all fun and laughter... bbq-ing on that mini bbq pit... talking... joking around... recalling all our teachers and all the interesting things that happened in secondary school..

found more mahjong khakis! apparently aihui jiayin zhan and ziliang plays too! haha...
and aihui makes really nice lemon cheese oreo cheesecake.. :S (wadeva she called it)...

was great meeting up with my secondary school buddies fang and justin... we used to be so so close...

-------------------
all these actualli makes me feel like writing a song about friendship..
but i have never done so before..
all my songs r usually soppy love ballads...
so yea... mebbe i'll gif de frenship song a shot soon...

-------------------
meanwhile... thanks karen for organising this gathering! for providing ur house!...
n yups.. our next gathering would be at parc oasis yups? :) hopefully more of our clazmates would turn up den! :)

eh.. i'm touched.. haha
so mani pple download my songs...
would like to know where u all came to know abt it from.. coz i'm sure i dont haf 100 frens on my msn list who would download my song =p

aniwae..
had performance at pasir ris camp today...
was pretty cool...
met a few of my childhood dad's friends....
sang ktv in de camp..
super fun...

------
finally on leave tmr...
i need a break..
super tired.
world cup fever...

-------
btw, france rocks! =pPp haha... :D

firstly.. thanks to those strangers who have been coming over to my blog n dl-ing my songs =) kinda fun to share songs n ur feelings around...

would write more songs in future....
mebbe it would be great if u guys could leave ur emails too =) so i can keep u guys informed yups? :) haha.. thanks..

-------

had show at peichun public today.
met the teachers that i met 6 years ago at NDP... those were de super nice teachers that were taking care of de PCPS kids while Altitude was performing with them at NDP with Tanya..

I feel old.. those kids are like graduated and probably in like college already... =) meanwhile, i still have our group photos stuck on my wall =)

random thoughts.
was blog hopping when i hopped to the blog of this friend of mine...
lots of heartwarming nostalgic things i read on de entry...

first, the way she described my song...
jiu rang wo..
"somehow felt that he's found his inspiration once again. this piece somehow.. felt right. i know how i used to laugh at some of his pieces, just like he'd laugh at his own stuff"

still remember going thru all the shit we have been going thru in college...
building up a choir, holding on to that glimmer of hope that we would definitely find more members to join the choir. putting in all our effort recruiting members.. recruiting guys... planning orientations, activities for the choir.
It was sad leaving pioneer's choir.. pjchoir.. pj choir.. i still remember all the memories we had. Going out to buy lunch for all the members, playing games, learning songs, quarreling, etc.
The photos we took together with Astro, Amy, Suying at my house at Phoenix MRT.

"ohhhhhhhhhhhh john john john. haha i suddenly realize what your lyrics say!
"wo zhi dao ni you ta, bu rang ni shou wei qu, wo hui jing jing zai zhe li."

this just reminds me how sucky my diction is, and how much worse it used to be last time. I used to sing ten times lousier than Jay Chou, with pronunciation 20 times worse..

"she'll always be the one u love the most this life huh. but im kinda glad to hear that u're finally saying such things. jing jing de shou zhe ni kind. *pats*"

dee.. i'm glad u appreciate my song. my writing. my feelings.
you are one of the very few people who have been supporting me, ignoring me, but still thinking and remembering my existance...
Remember the threesome message you sent me in the middle of lit classes? ha.. that was the ultimate. Mr Eddie Koh thought i was into some kinky wadeva.. =p

yups. haha..
know u wont read this...
but yea... at least one day when i read my blog again... i will be able to recall all the memories i had in pj... every single minute spent with people like you, astro, suying...

=)

You tend to worry about being abandoned in your romantic relationships. You have a strong desire for closeness, but may feel that others seem unwilling to get as close as you would like. It's likely that your openness to relationships is one of the first things potential partners notice about you.

Attachment style begins in infancy with the interactions we have with our parents or primary caregivers. Through these early relationships we begin to understand the dynamics and patterns of close relationships and we carry this perspective into our adult relationships.

39% of those who have taken our test share this style of attachment.

When you choose a romantic partner you tend to gravitate towards those who have what psychologists call a preoccupied attachment style. These are people who show a great deal of openness and are eager to get close in a relationship. People with this attachment style can be very devoted partners.

Your answers on our test show that when it comes to relationships you have grown beyond your earliest attachment issues. While you may not have every issue resolved, you're making substantial progress at establishing healthy relationship patterns.

silence is the worse way to communicate.
if i'm assuming things,
then you are presuming i understand u.

6am and i'm still awake.
gosh.
hope tmr's performance at mindef would be fine.
charles. jon ang li ming.
scary..

sometimes i wonder..
who are my friends?

1am.
ha...

have fun

you
taking things for granted.
=)

i
follow suit!

i'll give myself a hundred reasons to stop loving you,
but even thats not enough
to stop the way i'm feeling right now...

happiness is when u're beside the one you love
and when the person you love, loves you as much as you do

at the same time..
happiness is also when u know that that person is happy.
her happiness means more to you than anything..

and despite suffering in silence...
despite not being happy yourself,
a part of your heart tells yourself to be contented...
for the one you love,
is happy.

oh..so now i know...

I've done it once, twice, thrice

Its me, isn't it?

the same mistake.
the same attitude.

is it me?
or do i just keep meetin ppl like tat?

went to RI and Nan Hua High to perform 2 AEP shows today...
it has been a nong nong time since SAF Vocal Ensemble did an AEP show..
thought Nan Hua was pretty fun... they had some choir exchange programme n the school invited us to go over to perform... there was like the choirs from nan hua high and fuhua secondary school..
enjoyed myself pretty much.. thought the crowd was pretty quiet and cold...
but things gradually warmed up i guess..
n it was pretty heartwarming that a few actually came up to say hi and bye as we were walking out school..

-=-----
oh ya.. and
world cup fever is getting to me
haven been sleeping regularly for the past 2 wks...
down wiv cold yesterday..... my nose just couldn't stop running...
not forgettin..
i actualli betted on argentina to win
damnit..
:s
--------
cant wait for de wC finals... silently crossing my fingers hoping that england would get thru, even though i would say they need a hell loads of luck to do so...
--------
well... off to rest now.. in case i end up watchin the 3am matches again tonight..
yawnx..

i've told myself i'm not goin to read blogs for de next few days.
---

portugal sucked yesterday.
and i lost $ in soccer bets..
they dint even look like dey were playin soccer.
hardly had enuf rest.
hardly rested in fact.
was plannin to sleep frm 12 to 3am den wake up to watch soccer
that didnt materialise
was plannin to sleep frm 5 to 8am after soccer before goin to camp
n that didnt happen
now i'm like a walkin zombie.

i'm bored.
but there's so much on my mind i dont even haf de mood to step out of de house.
i wonder how ppl can go out feelin troubled n such..
---

thought of a pretty catchy chorus for a song:
here it goes..

i'll leave u alone
walk away
let you figure out what u're thinking
i'll leave you alone
though maybe you'll say
that you'll leave me for good
that you'll leave me for better

i'll leave u alone
walk away
let your heart feel what it's seeking
then maybe one day
you'll come back
or maybe one night
you'll walk away, you'll walk away for good

-------
here's a toast to sleepless nights.

cool, england won...
to an own goal though...

thought the match was pretty boring...
players who caught my eye:
joe cole...
crouch

even beckham was kinda invisible in de 2nd half...
n gerrard was kind of not even in the thick of de action...

----

its 430am now. ryan n detz r over here..
was playin winnin wiv detz just now..
i'm beginning to be good in using man utd man...

----

its gonna be a long sunday for me tmr..
coz i haven had enuf sleep,
and i haf soccer tmr...

yawns..

ouch.
spent $120 todae
i'm seriously broke...

u wouldn't do things to hurt the ppl u love.
u wldn't do things to ruin things that u treasure.

had two days of performance at toa payoh hub... mindef pride day...
performing was fun... probably not when u're in a shitty mood...
tried my best to be high. tried to smile.
yes, there's something at the back of my mind... n it sux...
still.. show has to be done i guess..

3 shows a day on saturday n 3 shows on sunday...
at the end of the whole day.. u just dont feel like moving at all..

not to forget, de journey frm toa payoh to my house takes a total of 1:18:20... haha...according to my stopwatch.

so yea... i need some recuperation.
n a hair cut.

buddy..
where are u when i need u..

i'm back. 5pm on a thursday.
but i'm desperately trying to escape.

i thought i found meaning to life.
now its all gone.
n whats left of me
soul-less
expression-less
pain-less.

i've lost my senses
i'm numb.

2am .

i'm cold.

if there's one thing in this world that can break my heart.
thats...
knowing what a fool i have been..

i dont deserve any happiness do i?

there's one type of ppl i hate...

LIARS

davinci code's kind of overhyped.. yet it left me thinking quite a lot abt religion..
watched it last night at westmall.

performance at CDANS today...
totally loved tong hua today... by far like my best projection n i think i hit an all time high note or something when i did that run i never thought i would do on stage with tong hua..
de place was so noisy i thought i shld just try a jj moment....

ya.. bowled todae... won a drink.... my score sux though..

its gonna be an irritatingly long weekend this week..
so busy n stuffs.....
will be performing at Pride Day.. toa payoh hub on sat n sun.. its open to public.. so sms me if u would be free to watch or sth? :)

sometimes i think i shld just wash my hands off everything
n not care abt anything that happens around me.
mebbe if i minded my own business
den i wldn't be feelin so irritated now....

i'm tired...
i hardly feel like i've had enough rest...
i'm mentally drained..
n i haf no idea wad i can do anymore..
this is slippin further and further away
faster and faster.
and i feel like i dont have a grip on things....

maybe ... just maybe... i shld start growing up.....

reminiscence of the past..

everyone around me seem to be pissing mi off lately..
n nxt wk's gonna be a damn long week..
performance on wed, fri, sat, sun.. till late night..
gosh.
i wonder how i'm gonna survive..

went clubbing this wk wiv ryan n geri....... n ryan's frens (whom i dont know at all..) haha.....
felt so super extra at first la..
ryan and geri were like totally into each other....
den my fren got stuck outside zouk coz her fren cldn't come in coz she wore shorts..
so i was like dancing alone or sth..
luckily it wasn't that bad later...

took leave on thurs.. went paya lebar on thurs to kaijoo optics... was lookin for another spectacles frame so i can change my lenses frm de white frame to another one as and when i wish... den went jec for a walk... been such a long time since i went there..

friday.... swensens.. mahjong..

saturday.. sucked.
n its sunday now. n it feels like its gonna suck too..

listening to my own song now.... jiu rang wo....
relaised that there are abt 90 downloads on the site.... which means 90 ppl haf my song in their computers now!
duhx =pPp
gonna start on a 2nd draft soon enuf when i recover frm my blocked nose.

here's a toast to a boring n dull sunday.

i wrote this for no particular person. with no particular relation to anything..

was runnin thru ideas of writing a song... n instead of writing songs abt love love and love.... loving sum1, blahblahblah~... why not try sth different...

why not try writing abt this guy/girl who loves someone.... but is willing to stand there and just watch that guy/girl fall for sum1 else...

this is my song...
http://www.savefile.com/files.php?fid=7684240

do download it and let me noe how it is.. =) n yes, i know my pronunciation sux.. but i'm reali tryin my best.... but i'm sure u can make out de lyrics sumhow... if u listen carefully...again n again n again =)

presenting.... jiu rang wo...

went ijc and yjc to perform in the last weeks...
the performances were really enjoyable to me...

went shopping for GROCERIES at imm todae wiv detz n eugene..
had loads of fun manz..
tell u.. its so funny seeing a guy dressed in ARMY UNIFORM SMART 4 pushing a trolley around..
i have a video of detz picking prawns and chicken wings in his smart 4...haha.. which i plan to upload soon.. =pPp

i think this weekend will pass rather quickly.. i hardly have time to breathe manz..
n can u believe it..
i actualli lost 60 bucks in mahjong...! haha... frm start to end i onli won like one round.. DUHX...

i'm more that meets the eye.

can someone tell me why i always feel like
everyone around me is lying.

i was kept in the dark once...
it cant be that traumatizing can it?....

i still remember primary school. when my mother asked me what i wanted to be, i answered proudly. "I want to sell Fried kuay teow"... and i was dead serious about it...
I was totally impressed by how the uncle at the market could fry plates of hot steaming kuay teow at such short spans of time..

then came secondary school... when i was in lower secondary... i told myself that i want to be a teacher... a mathematics teacher... and i was dead serious about it too...
until i realised that my then maths teacher Mr Teo Long Cher (whom i feel now is a nice teacher) caused me to lose interest in that subject...

then came upper secondary. gone were the dreams of becoming a kuay teow seller, a maths teacher. I wanted to sing. I wanted to perform in front of a crowd. I wanted to be an artiste.. a performer... entertainer... took part in competitions, won prizes, won praises, gained friends.... I enjoyed every single minute spent with my band... ALTITUDE... these grp of guys who brought my level of interest in music to another new level.
but then after all these, i was still me. I was disliked by several guys in school... hated by some in fact... etc.

Then i told myself.. whats all these dreams about becoming an entertainer if u cant even be liked by your own peers...
I told myself. "when i go to junior college, i will just blend in with the crowd, and be quiet, insignificant"... i actualli managed to blend in for quite some time. i bet no one even knew i existed in school..

Then when i came back from thailand.. when i went back to pioneer jc again... i developed the habit of writing songs. First i wrote a national day song .. took part in the song writing competition together with eugene.. n we clinched both first n second...
Then i wrote a song for the choir, which eventually became PJC's opening ceremony song.

Then, i told myself. i want to be a songwriter. a singer. not just a performer. but a music producer...

but now as i think about it.. all these remain a dream...

its impractical for me to fight for my dreams and my passion...
coz ultimately, i'm going to have a family. i'm going to get married. and i cant take a big risk and walk towards my dreams and fail.

maybe i'm pessimistic...
but on the other hand,
maybe i'm just playing it safe

was flippin thru my files, folders and photos just recently..
saw de magazines i appeared on together with altitude last time.. the photo shoots with tanya chua, etc....
talentime photos, performance photos with altitude, etc...

then the thought came to me..
i think i'm growing old..
Not like anyone never grows old or whatsoever, but all of a sudden, all these achievements i have made seem so far away... seem to have happened so long ago..

My most recent musical achievement would be winning runner up at the partyworld grp competition at genting and champions with lucas and jon in impresario 2006..

but then, what other achievements can i truly say i have obtained?

i used to think when i was younger... the period of time with altitude...
that i will grow up and be a singer songwriter, have my own band, have fun performing on stage, etc..

at that time, singing used to be fun and everything..
it still is..
but now , i just feel like i'm so faraway frm what i wanted to achieve.

and sometimes,
i just feel like my voice totally sux..
hah.. well...

on a brighter note,
i think my character over the past few yrs have changed for the better quite a lot...

yups.. and to those frens that i haven been keeping in touch with,
if u're reading this,
do say hi when u see me on msn or sth..
i feel like i havent caught up with lots of u..

i wonder whats wrong with my temper nowadays.
my tolerance level is so low.. i think i'll get pissed over almost everything and anything everyday.

i finally got internet connection at home!
been surviving on dial up for a long time... which explains the lack of updates on my blog..

urm..
haha.. in de first place..
i doubt ani1's coming back here for updates animore, are they? :P

drop a tag! :)

another busy week finally over...
been singing at dinner shows, school shows, etc..
acapella's fun..
babes conde did a pretty promising arrangement of quando..
n i completed acapella arrangements for both ice kachang and first love..

lunar new yr's here...
a huge relief for me to have this break..
considering i've been busy de entire week shifting furniture, shoppin at ikea, shifting, packing, shifting again, etc...

finally moved on parc oasis...
n ya...everything is slowly gettin into shape again..

haven met up wiv de guys for a long time...
ryan, detz, mike, eug, etc
must make an effort to see dem soon...

ani1 wiv frens who can sing who are goin to de army? yup.. haf to recruit more ppl for mdc's acapella grp coz david and jon's gonna ORD...

dyed hair back to black todae.
issit me or it seems super black sumhow....

manchester united signed evra... ah hah... new players. vidic too...
lets hope dey improve...

saw a bed dat i wanna buy when i shift back to parcoasis
de bed's on top. n u can put tables underneath like a cosy corner or sth...
i think it rocks..
but yet, with de pain of my back gettin frm bad to worse, wad if i cant even climb up one day..

niwaez.
random entry i see..

i wanna get my license soon... but shit. gonna go back to camp frm todae onwards..
n i'll be busy again......

urghx.....
cant wait to sing acapella again....

well..........
i'm happy....

my parents are gonna come back soon.. in 2 weeks!...
kinda excited...
gonna shift back to jurong soon..

n i'm gonna get a car as soon as i get my license...!
someone pls push me to get my license..coz i'm gettin lazy...