We all live only once...

performance at suntec convention hall and heeren HMV just ended..
2 days of feelin like a star... free hairdos, make up, etc...
ferried around in buses....
ah..

loved my hairstyle when dey helped me style it..
de ash grey colour dey sprayed on for me.
silver glitter, etc.
totally rocks... look at this..


aniwae... performance just over. thought i would like to thank a few ppl who actualli made their way dere for either one of de performances..

yink.. for ur sunflower....
ryan, jamie, jamie's fren, jiahui, wan hsin..
and you.. for goin on both days... (of which u didnt tell mi on de first day until some uncles pointed u out to me while i was on stage)..

de smses and encouragements i got...
meifen.. ki.. etc.etc...

jie tou nan hai..
and de rest of de contestants.. michelle, garrison, UFM deejays, all of you have made singing and performing so fun...

Purity once had a name,

And beauty once had a face.

Life once had a meaning,

And once I was safe.

Once there was freedom,

And once I could laugh.

Happiness once was alive,

And once I had another half.

Once I shared her love,

Once I was by her side,

Once I felt she was my everything,

Without her i thought i wld die.

Her grace so great,

Her beauty so vast,

All I ever wanted,

Was for this to last.

Fate maybe had another plan,

Or maybe we lost our minds,

But it all fell apart,

a deep wound cut by a knife.

Now it's all but over,

Happiness, joy, love; all memories.

Now I walk alone in this dark, dark world,

With no light to guide my way

the raindrops trickle down my face
the bikes and cars speed quickly past me
the peaceful houses.
the dim street lights.
in a distance, i hear a couple quarrelin in the rain
i see a child in a raincoat
running for shelter in the bus stp.
the flashing lightning
and howling wind.
everyone
and everything flashes past me.
and in an instance,
i feel .
emptiness. in the rain.

where are you
when i need you.

still suffering frm fever...
doesnt seem to be recovering. 2 trips to de doctor alreadi.

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may consider goin for a minor op for my back..
coz its starting to hurt again..

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gonna try to memorize MDC's version of Yesterday..
like that arrangement a lot =)
been trying to get the right feel and diction wiv de grp todae..
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this flu has been disrupting my schedule so much.
so mani things undone.
..
sigh..
gonna go get more rest now.
recuperate.

caught a pretty bad cold while walkin under de rain on 2 consecutive days...
its de rainy season..
n it doesnt help that i don like to bring umbrellas out..

woke up several times last night wiv a horribly blocked nose.
and a fever.
lets hope de throat doesnt get sore later
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aniwae
i haf de video of de partyworld semi finals..
ani1 who wants it can just msg me online or sth =)

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had photoshoot todae.. haha
realised i can never gif a fake smile. coz my fake smile looks retarded..
so yups, out of like 20 shots, i onli looked okae in like wad..4shots? hahaa..
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gonna go rest now..
ciaoz.

i wanna go do ear piercings..
hahx..
i once thought it was gay
but maybe nw, it isn't..

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thinking of goin to sign up for california fitness..
used to haf a membership in thailand, but i think it cant be used here animore..

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to frens who haf tagged me
thanks for de encouraging tags..

darn, i dont even noe if i'm feeling fine...
suddenli feeling lost..
dont even noe which things u say r de truth n which aren't.

i'm in a state where nothing around me matters anymore.
state of liminality.
where i'm neither here.
nor there.

what a surprise...
received a call just now in de evening frm this freelance music producer whom i met when i was in sec 3 after winning my competition last time.

apparently this guy wants to buy the song i wrote 2 yrs ago(which was supposed to be some drama serial theme song but was later not used) one of our local english singers wants to sing it...
gonna meet him next week to finalise the details... though i donno who its gonna be.. dere aren't mani english local singers in singapore though...

raymond was at partyworld that day... haven seen him for years ... 4 yrs in fact... he's now in the process of releasing his album with hai die..... haha... if only hai die actualli could haf heard us that day at de semi finals...

ah hah... 2 joys in a wk.
streetboys got thru de finals of partyworld.
n now this song that even i forgotten about it is on the verge of making a comeback...~

gonna try submitting my "lets join our hands" national day song too for nxt yr's or de yr after's national day parade... haha... if only stella would be asked to sing my songg.... -goes on dreaming-

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her exams r over! :)
gonna be able to spend some quality time together already!
realli happi that her econs paper was fine~...

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back's hurting
mebbe i realli should go for intensive physio...

---------
ran into some serious technical problem with streetboys.
not de time to be doin this though
but still..
gonna see who kong can link me up with in the industry ..

till then...

she promised she'll pass her promos.

and my grp got thru de partyworld semis...
finals gonna be held in genting
if things turn out fine, we'll haf busy schedules up ahead.
dance, singing vocal classes,
photoshoots, etc.

a painful week for me
that ends on a high note =)
yeaa... :D

spent de night counting de number of cobwebs on my ceiling yesterday.
not a single wink.
woke up at 5. went jogging.
came back at 6. bought breakfast. had breakfast.
contemplated goin swimming..

dint even go for my driving theory.
by de time i get my license it would probably be december nxt yr or sth..
at de rate i'm going. mebbe i wun even get my license.

while jogging, i thought of many things.
the kind of person i was last time
and how i am now.
realised a drastic change.
i was so purposeful in de past. i knew wat i wanted. i knew where i wanted to go, what i wanted to do, etc.
now?
i'm directionless.
i don't know what to do. what i want. where to go. what dis road i'm taking would bring me to.

yes. i got de bachelor of arts scholarship from NIE. but now, i'm not even sure if i want to teach animore.
mebbe i'm better off goin overseas to study music or sth.
or mebbe i shld just go get my diploma in piano and become a private piano teacher.
or maybe. i shld just go open a restaurant.
set up a business?
drive a taxi?

hah.
ppl haf dreams.
i had mine.
but when u lose the driving force behind ur dreams, like i think i have,
nothing looks right for you.

i need sleep.
competitions' in 6 hours.
wake up.

why am i making myself miserable.
why am i at home when i can be having fun outside?

why am i crying at my own stupidity?
why do i feel so helpless?

u noe why?
ya.
coz i'm john.
and i feel like a loser.

all i want to do now is.
drink. drown my frustrations.

all i want now. is for u to be by my side.
but wait.
i dont want tt coz u shld be studyin..
even if u shld be takin a break now, not goin back to sleep n rest would mean u would be too tired to study tomorrow.

all i want now.
is for me to tell myself i dont care anymore..

yes. i'm tired
maybe i dont want to care anymore.
its just not worth it.
spoiling my mood. spoiling urs . just bcoz i care.

so yes.
i'm goin to change.
i'm not goin to care.
and i know i can make this change.

meanwhile.
i'll just shout my frustrations into my pillow.
punch de wall
starve to death.

u know the saddest thing abt dis entire thing?

caring is spoiling de entire r'ship.
bcoz i care, dis is happening.
n bcoz u dont seem to care that i care.
i feel like a freakin dumb asshole who cant stop nagging.

u noe wad?
do as u please.
i'm not ur mother. not ur personal nanny, not ur father.
ur future. does not. affect me.

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streetboys r competing tmr...
i foresee lots of fun...
whether or not we get thru realli depends..
but it doesnt matter to me..
i've got to know jon n luc better over these few mths..
n i'm doin sth i enjoy doin.. performin on stage.

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i'll do anything just for u to get promoted.

he's so nice to u.
i'm not.

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been feelin horrible lately.
no mood at all
no appetite.
in de dumps..

sang wiv streetboyz todae.
tried my best.
but still..
i cant seem to seperate my life frm my work.
if i'm sad. i'm sad.
if i'm troubled. i'm troubled.

but ya.
saturday's de competition. i'm goin to put my best foot forward.

u noe something's wrong when...
someone else treats u better than i do..
if he is more thoughtful than i am...

n when u find urself...
being miserable bcuz of the guy u love...

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he gave her chicken of essence.
i did nothing.

he cheered her up.
i caused her to lose her mood in studying.

he smses her to encourage her
i onli sms her and irritates her.

---
yet
i am hers.
n he's not.
it just doesnt make sense.

maybe u deserve sum1 better.

i look at the photos on my computer
n i unknowingly find myself smiling..

dis entry has nothing to do with my entry title.

sick now. down wiv fever. if it persists, suspected dengue, blood test.
wrong time to be sick
competition's on saturday.
i'm goin to just continue singing for de nxt few days.
dont realli care even if i die. hahx.
to die singing is a privilege.

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why didnt God give human beings wings?
why didnt he give me wings?
to let me fly out of my shell. to search for my inner self. the real me.

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lying in bed with a running fever makes me think.
crying when i dont have the energy to cry feels good.
its almost as though ur soul is released frm ur body.
coz u're so weak. u cry. u feel weaker. u cry. u feel like u dont even belong to de real world animore. u just feel like u're floating.

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i broke a promise todae.
i broke a pledge.
i deserve to be sentenced.
n yes, i've alreadi got my sentence.

misery. is all i feel..

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